[rumbling]
- HI, I'M LINDSAY GRIFFIN.
- I'M CHELSEA MORGAN.
- KRISTIN FOX. - TAYLOR HAWKINS.
- I'M KIMMY. - ALEX TAYLOR.
- HI.
- DALLAS MITCHELL READING FOR THE ROLE OF BROOKE.
- I'M JUSTIN,
BUT SOME PEOPLE CALL ME BRILLIANT.
- ♪ AMERICA
- AND FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T YET,
YOU WILL.
- ♪ BE ANYONE, TELL NO ONE ♪
♪ GET LAID
- TODAY'S THE DAY THAT I OFFICIALLY REALIZED
THAT MY LIFE SUCKS.
YES, I'M HUNG OVER.
YES, LAST NIGHT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
AND YES, I WOKE UP ALONE AGAIN.
WELL, NOT TOTALLY ALONE. COME SAY HI, NEWT.
- UH, HI.
- AND RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD BE GOING ON MY NEXT AUDITION.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
GO AHEAD, NEWT. ASK ME WHY.
- WHY? - BECAUSE I WON'T GET THE PART.
I NEVER GET THE PART.
AND HONESTLY, I REALLY DON'T WANT THE PART
IN THIS SHITTY, LOW-BUDGET INDEPENDENT MOVIE
WITH A BUNCH OF SHITTY FUCKING WANNABE ACTORS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT?
GO AHEAD, NEWT. ASK ME.
- WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT, JUSTIN?
- TO GET LAID BY A RIDICULOUSLY HOT CHICK.
- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
HE WANTS TO SHOOT SOME KIND OF DOCUMENTARY.
BUT HE OFFERED ME TEN BUCKS AND A CHIPOTLE BURRITO
FOR EVERY DAY I FOLLOW HIM AROUND WITH MY CAMERA.
- WHAT, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE ALL COOL.
YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.
- THIS IS TRUE.
[dubious guitar chords]
- PROBLEM IS, TYPE OF GIRLS THAT I WANT TO BANG
DON'T WANT TO BANG ME.
THESE HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES WANT A GUY WITH POWER.
THEY WANT SOMEONE WHO CAN CHANGE THEIR LIFE.
AND BY LIFE, I MEAN CAREER.
THE PERFECT HANGOVER CURE.
[angelic choral singing]
THIS DOCUMENTARY IS ABOUT A GROUP OF DUDES
WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION FOR A FAKE MOVIE
SO THAT WE CAN GET LAID FOR REAL.
COME ON, NEWT. LET'S GO GET CHASE.
[music playing]
HEY, ROOMIE.
- GET OUT.
- HE'S LIKE A KITTEN IN THE MORNING.
I NEED YOU GET OVER JORDAN, MAN.
- I'M OVER HER.
- WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.
- IT'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME.
- MY ROOMMATE? MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM.
CHASE LOCKWOOD?
HE'S A MAJOR STAR IN CHINA AND INDIA
FOR SOME "B" HORROR ALIEN FILM HE DID.
HE MIGHT EVEN BE A BIGGER STAR IN WEST HOLLYWOOD
FOR STARRING IN WHAT I LIKE TO CALL
THE BISEXUAL PARODY OF TWILIGHT.
HE WAS THE "EDWARD."
THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY, BRO.
PEOPLE THAT BREAK UP 17 TIMES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- UNDERSTAND WHAT?
- SHE WAS THE BEST SEX EVER.
- YOU KNOW, IT DID SOUND PRETTY GOOD.
[knocks lightly]
PAPER-THIN.
NOW, CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND, JORDAN HOLLIDAY,
SHE'S A SMOKING-HOT CHICK.
BUT I'M SURE YOU KNOW THAT,
SEEING AS SHE IS A HUGE MOVIE STAR.
- ♪ SHE'S SO HOT ♪
♪ SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME TO MAKE ♪
- BUT SHE'S THE BIGGEST BITCH WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI.
THINK HER EXACT WORDS WERE...
- "I NEED A MAN, NOT A BOY."
- LOVE MY ROOMMATE. LOVE LIVING IN HIS CONDO.
BUT HE'S TOTALLY ONE OF THOSE ACTORS.
AND WE'RE STATING HE'S A MODEL TOO--
NOT FOR ANYTHING GOOD. [chuckles]
IN FACT, HE MAY BE THE VAINEST PERSON IN LOS ANGELES,
COMPLETE WITH A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX.
- ♪ SHE'S SO HOT ♪
♪ SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME TO MAKE ♪
- IN FACT, IF YOU ASK HIM,
HE'LL TELL YOU HE INVENTED ZOOLANDER.
- DO I HAVE A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX?
[scoffs] NO.
BUT I DID COME UP WITH THE IDEA.
- [chuckling]
- SO I WAS SITTING IN A STARBUCKS,
AND I WAS TELLING THIS CHICK THE IDEA,
AND I WAS PROBABLY TALKING REALLY LOUD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I WAS EXCITED.
AND I LOOKED OVER,
AND THERE'S FUCKING BEN STILLER STANDING THERE,
LISTENING TO ME WHILE HE WAITED FOR HIS COFFEE.
- AND WHAT WAS BEN STILLER DRINKING?
- AND THEN HE WALKED OUT WITH HIS FRAPPUCCINO.
- BUT MY ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE A VERY VALUABLE ASSET TO THE PLAN.
IF I'M GONNA CAST A FAKE MOVIE,
I'M GONNA NEED A SOMEWHAT RECOGNIZABLE ACTOR ATTACHED.
AT LEAST HE HAS CREDITS.
[drum cadence]
♪
I NEED YOU, MAN.
- I NEED GOOD SEX.
- EXACTLY. I'LL HELP YOU.
NOT BY PLAYING WITH YOUR PECKER.
- [sighs] YOU'RE GONNA GET ME JORDAN BACK.
- NO. I'LL GET YOU SOMEONE HOTTER.
- [scoffs] NOT POSSIBLE.
- OKAY, SOMEONE EQUALLY AS HOT.
ANOTHER ACTRESS. YOU COULD MAKE HER JEALOUS.
- I'M LISTENING.
- EVERY AUDITION I GO TO,
THERE'S A LINE OF GIRLS OUT THE DOOR.
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET INSIDE,
IT'S A BUNCH OF DOUCHE BAGS HOLDING THE AUDITIONS.
- SO JUSTIN TELLS ME HE HAS A PLAN.
- THESE GUYS AREN'T EVEN COOL.
THEY DO HAVE THE ATTENTION OF OVER 100 SMOKING-HOT CHICKS.
- JUSTIN'S A NICE GUY.
HE'S GOT A KIND FACE. HE'S INSTANTLY LIKEABLE.
BUT IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE HIM IN A PHRASE,
HE'S ULTRA MEDIUM.
- I MEAN, I'M A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.
- HE'S NOT GOOD-LOOKING,
BUT HE'S NOT BAD, I GUESS.
- I'M HILARIOUS.
- HE'S NOT FUNNY,
BUT HE'S NOT NOT FUNNY.
- I'VE GOT A JOB.
- HIS JOB SUCKS ASS.
[chuckles]
BUT AT LEAST HE'S GOT ONE.
- SO WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE OF THESE GIRLS?
- OH, JUSTIN, OKAY.
I'LL PLAY ALONG WITH YOUR LITTLE GAME.
- SO CHASE IS IN.
HIM AND I ARE GONNA BE THE LEADS IN THIS FAKE MOVIE.
BUT NOW WE NEED A CREW.
TIME TO ASSEMBLE THE TEAM
OCEAN'S ELEVEN STYLE.
- I LOVE HOW JUSTIN MAKES AN OCEAN'S ELEVEN REFERENCE.
HE TOTALLY VIEWS HIMSELF LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.
WELL, NEWS FLASH, J BONE.
YOU'RE NO CLOONEY. [chuckles]
BUT I COULD SEE HOW HE'D THINK
I'D BE THE BRAD PITT.
[camera shutter clicks]
[upbeat pop punk music]
♪
- ♪ WE'RE LIVING HERE IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ UNDER THE SKIES OF BLUE
- THESE GUYS: ALSO BRILLIANT.
- WHAT'S UP, BIOTCHES?
WHAT'S UP WITH THE CAMERA?
- TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
- HELL YEAH, IT IS!
ROSS, WE GOT COMPANY.
- AND A CAMERA?
- AND A CAMERA.
- WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?
- YO.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- SO APPARENTLY, OUR LIVES ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE.
- OKAY.
- GET THIS.
I WANT TO HOLD A FAKE AUDITION FOR A FAKE MOVIE
SO THAT WE CAN MEET AND CAST A LOT OF HOT BITCHES.
- I FUCKING LOVE IT.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU THINK WITH YOUR HEAD TOO MUCH, MAN.
USE YOUR COCK AND BALLS LIKE THE REST OF US.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU GUYS WOULD COME IN.
YOU'D BE THE WRITERS. - OF THE FAKE MOVIE?
- EXACTLY. - GENIUS!
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
- SO YOU WANT US TO WRITE A FAKE SCRIPT?
- WELL, NOT AN ENTIRE SCRIPT.
I DON'T NEED A WHOLE SCREENPLAY,
JUST AN IDEA
AND THEN A FEW SCENES WE CAN USE
DURING A CASTING SESSION.
ROSS AND AUSTIN, ALSO KNOWN AS ROSTIN,
JUST GOT DONE WRITING A BOMB-ASS VAMPIRE WEB SERIES.
THESE GUYS WRITE HOT GIRL PARTS
BETTER THAN ANYONE I'VE EVER KNOWN.
- YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER WRITERS, DO YOU?
- NOT AS GOOD AS ROSTIN.
- AW, THANKS, BROSKI.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S IT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT?
- IT'S UP TO YOU. WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY THE BRAINS BEHIND THIS FAKE PROJECT.
IT JUST NEEDS TO STAR A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS,
LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE, BASICALLY ONE FOR EACH OF US.
AND THEY SHOULD BE DESCRIBED IN DETAIL
TO LOOK LIKE THE GIRLS OF OUR DREAMS.
- DO WE GET AN IMDB CREDIT FOR WRITING A FAKE MOVIE?
- THIS IS FUCKING PHENOMENAL.
EACH ONE OF US WILL, IN GREAT DETAIL,
WRITE OUT AN AUDITION NOTICE FOR OUR "PERFECT GIRL."
- IT'S GOT TO BE A HORROR FILM.
- YES, HORROR FILMS LOVE SLUTS.
- AND THERE'S GOT TO BE A BIG GROUP OF GIRLS.
- OOH, AND THEY GET LOST
WHILE THEY'RE CAMPING IN THE WOODS.
- NO, NOT OUT IN THE WOODS.
- MUD WRESTLING TOURNAMENT.
- BE REALISTIC. - WHAT?
THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE.
SLUMBER PARTY.
- JACKPOT. - BAM.
- THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- YEAH, I COULD STAR IN THAT.
- FIVE GIRLS HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY
ALL GET BRUTALLY MURDERED IN A HOUSE OVERNIGHT.
- NOT BAD.
- CHASE AND I PLAY TWO
OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS.
WE SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY.
- I'M GONNA WRITE IN MY PERFECT GIRL.
- AND I'LL FINALLY WRITE MINE.
- AND WE'RE GONNA WRITE IN ONE MORE GIRL,
BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA NEED A HAPPY PRODUCER.
- I'VE NEVER PRODUCED ANYTHING.
- BUT YOU'RE GOOD WITH MONEY.
- BUT THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE.
- BUT IT IS A REAL DOCUMENTARY.
- YEAH, I NOTICED THE CAMERA.
WHAT'S UP, NEWT? - HEY, BEN.
- FOCUS. - I'M LISTENING.
- ROSS AND AUSTIN ARE WRITING SCENES
FOR THE FAKE MOVIE.
IT'S CALLED THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- YEAH, I GET IT.
- SO YOU'RE IN? - NO.
AND I DON'T THINK GIRLS WILL BE, EITHER.
- OF COURSE THERE WILL BE. THIS IS L.A.
THERE'S TONS OF SEXY HOPEFULS OUT THERE.
- CREATING A FAKE MOVIE IS NOT GONNA MAKE GIRLS
WANT TO DATE YOU.
- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED?
- HE HAD A POINT.
YOU HAVE A POINT.
- YOU SEE?
- BUT WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
WHEN THEY FIND OUT THAT THERE'S NO REAL MOVIE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
STRETCH IT OUT AS LONG AS WE CAN.
- HOW LONG IS THAT?
- LONG ENOUGH FOR A KICKOFF PARTY
AND A TABLE READ.
- HOW DO YOU HAVE A TABLE READ WITHOUT A SCRIPT?
- MAYBE THAT'S WHERE IT'LL ALL END, THEN,
AT THE TABLE READ.
WE'LL TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
- IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
- BUT THE GIRLS WILL STILL BE HAPPY.
- WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY STILL BE HAPPY?
- BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY, THEY WERE ALL ACTRESSES
IN THIS DOCUMENTARY.
- GIRLS AREN'T GONNA GO FOR THIS.
HE'LL PROBABLY GET SUED.
I'M IN. - PRAISE JESUS.
I'VE KNOWN BEN SINCE KINDERGARTEN.
THE FIRST TIME I FINGERED A GIRL
WAS AT HIS EIGHTH GRADE BIRTHDAY PARTY.
HE'S A COOL GUY,
BUT HE'S NEVER HAD MUCH LUCK WITH THE LADIES.
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S ANAL,
AND HE USED TO BE AN ADVERTISING DORK.
BUT NOW THAT HE'S LAID OFF, HE SHOULD BE A MOVIE PRODUCER.
I BET HIS RATIO OF PUSSY TO PUSSYLESS NIGHTS
WOULD CHANGE DRASTICALLY.
- BUT WE'RE GONNA MAKE ALL THE GIRLS SIGN SOMETHING.
- HE'S A SMART GUY. I KNEW HE WAS A NO-BRAINER.
LIKE WHAT? - I DON'T KNOW.
SOME KIND OF RELEASE FORM.
YOU CAN'T PUT GIRLS IN A DOCUMENTARY
WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.
AND YOU CAN'T PUT ME IN IT, EITHER.
clang!
[funky rock music]
- HE'S SUPER SUCCESSFUL. HE OWNS A COMPANY.
- WHAT KIND OF COMPANY?
- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT KIND OF COMPANY?
- I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE'S GOT THE BEST POT.
- FANTASTIC.
- BUT HE HAS PRODUCED A MOVIE BEFORE, RIGHT?
- YEAH, AND THE LADIES LOVE HIM.
- ♪ FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE
- OH, WHY, THANK YOU, BAMBI.
- SURE THING, BIG J.
[smooches]
- AIN'T SHE A PEACH?
- SHE'S NOT UGLY.
- AND IF YOU LIKE BRUNETTES...
HEY, ARIEL!
SAY HI TO THE BOYS.
- HI, BOYS.
boing!
- I WONDER IF JOHNSON NEEDS A POOL BOY.
- A FAKE CASTING SESSION, HUH?
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN IDEA.
- SO YOU'RE IN?
- [laughing] WHOA.
I DON'T NEED ANY MORE HOT CHICKS.
- HE DOESN'T.
EVERYONE THAT KNOWS JOHNSON LOVES JOHNSON,
AND JOHNSON KNOWS A LOT OF PEOPLE.
HE'S KIND OF LIKE THE HUGH HEFNER OF THE 818.
- SO WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME AS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER?
- JUST YOUR NAME.
- AND MAYBE YOUR PLACE FOR A KILLER KICKOFF PARTY.
- THAT KID WAS SO PATHETIC.
I JUST COULDN'T TELL HIM NO.
PLUS I LIKE CHASE. HE'S MY BOY.
AND HE HELPED ME MAKE A LOT OF MONEY TOO.
- YOU ROCK, DUDE. - I KNOW.
I'M BEST AT PRODUCING SMILES.
[hip-hop music]
♪
- WE'VE GOT ALMOST EVERYONE WE NEED.
- BUT WE STILL NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOME LOGISTICS.
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE WHERE ARE WE GONNA SHOOT MOST OF THIS,
WHERE ARE WE GONNA HOLD AUDITIONS,
WHO'S GONNA DIRECT IT?
- OH, YEAH. WE TOTALLY NEED A DIRECTOR.
- CAN NEWT JUST DIRECT IT?
- I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU, NEWT?
- I'D RATHER NOT.
- YOU KNOW ANY GOOD DIRECTORS?
- [chuckles] NOT GOOD DIRECTORS.
- YEAH, YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF HIS MOVIES.
- WHAT? I GOT SOME AWESOME FANS.
- FOR SOME REASON, CHASE FORWARDS ME HIS FAN E-MAILS.
THEY'RE USUALLY FROM DUDES OR INDIANS,
NOT THE FEATHER KIND, THE ONES WITH DOTS.
- AND YOU'VE NEVER WORKED AS AN ACTOR IN THIS TOWN,
SO YOU DON'T KNOW ANY DIRECTORS.
- ACTUALLY, I DID THIS ONE PLAY.
- OH, YEAH. THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
- THE DIRECTOR, PARKER, HE'S KIND OF CRAZY.
- CRAZY GOOD LIKE AN ARTIST OR CRAZY BAD?
- CRAZY LIKE HE YELLED IN MY FACE.
- WHAT'D HE SAY?
- "YOU'RE FIRED." - YEAH, HE FIRED ME.
- OH, SO THIS GUY MIGHT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
- EVERY NOW AND THEN, BEN'S A REAL DICK.
I MEAN, I GUESS WE COULD ASK HIM.
HE IS SCARY AND MOODY, THOUGH, BUT HE DOES HAVE A NICE THEATER.
I THINK HE LIVES THERE. - PERFECT.
- ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WELL, I GOT TO BOUNCE.
I GOT LUNCH WITH RIHANNA, SO PEACE.
- IS THAT TRUE?
- WHO KNOWS?
WELL, LET'S HEAD OVER TO THE THEATER AND ASK HIM.
- WHEN HE SEES THE SWARM OF ATTRACTIVE WOMEN
HE'LL GET TO DIRECT, I'M SURE HE'LL DO IT.
- NO FUCKING WAY. - WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU.
- ALL I DID WAS IMPROV ONE EXTRA LINE.
- AND IT RUINED THE PERFECT COMEDIC TIMING
THAT I HAD MASTERMINDED.
- I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
AND SECONDLY, I DON'T EVEN LIKE WOMEN.
- YOU DON'T? - YOU DON'T?
- NO, THEY'RE ANNOYING, AND THEY DON'T HAVE A PENIS.
- WOW. I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GAY.
- NO ONE KNOWS.
I'M COOL LIKE THAT.
- WHAT IF WE ADDED A GAY CHARACTER?
- WE CAN'T DO THAT.
- WHY NOT? - YEAH, WHY NOT?
- I MEAN, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS
GETTING SLAUGHTERED AT A SLUMBER PARTY.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE THE KILLER A GAY GUY?
- I GUESS WE COULD TALK TO ROSTIN ABOUT IT.
- AND I WANT TO KISS A BUNCH OF STRAIGHT GUYS
AT THESE FAKE AUDITIONS.
- WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY IRONED OUT ALL THE DETAILS YET.
- AND I WANT AN ASSISTANT.
I REMEMBER JUSTIN HAD A REALLY CUTE FRIEND
THAT CAME TO SEE HIS PLAY LAST YEAR,
GOT WASTED WITH US AFTER.
- ASSISTANT? - YES.
I WANT A PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
- YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE
YOU'RE DIRECTING, RIGHT?
- DO YOU WANT TO USE MY NAME, MY CREDITS, MY THEATER?
- YEAH.
- THEN OBEY MY COMMANDS.
THAT'S HOW I DO IT.
WHO WAS YOUR FRIEND THAT CAME OUT WITH US
AFTER OPENING NIGHT?
HE WAS AN ASSISTANT DIRECTOR IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
- RYAN? - RYAN.
THAT'S IT. BINGO.
- SO IF WE GET YOU A MALE CHARACTER
AND RYAN COMES ON BOARD AS YOUR ASSISTANT DIRECTOR--
- PERSONAL ASSISTANT. - WHATEVER.
YOU'LL COME ON BOARD?
- I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
- SO YOU WANT ME TO BE THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
OF A FILM THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY MAKING.
- PRECISELY.
- COOL. I'M DOWN.
- HEY, BOYS.
I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.
- HEY, I'M BEN.
- COOL. I'M KATIE.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- SO WHAT YOU GUYS DOING?
- WE'RE MAKING A MOVIE.
- YAY! CAN I BE IN IT?
- OH, IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE.
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
- THEN I HAD THIS BRILLIANT THOUGHT.
- BEN ALWAYS THINKS HIS THOUGHTS ARE BRILLIANT.
- WHAT IF WE BROUGHT KATIE ON BOARD TOO,
YOU KNOW, FOR SAFEKEEPING?
- SAFEKEEPING?
- AS PRODUCER,
I'M ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR OUR BEST INTERESTS,
AND WE DO RUN THE RISK OF INSULTING THE FEMININE RACE,
SO HAVING A FEMALE ON BOARD
WOULD CERTAINLY LESSEN THE BLOW.
- SOMETIMES HE IS ACTUALLY KIND OF SMART.
- SHE COULD BE OUR BRIDGE KEEPER,
A GATEWAY, IF YOU WILL, TO THE OTHER WORLD
WE KNOW AS WOMEN.
- I LIKE IT.
- I LOVE IT.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE A CASTING DIRECTOR YET?
both: WE DO NOW!
[upbeat rock music]
- WE'RE A FEW SHORT OF 11,
BUT PRETTY SOLID CREW, IF I DON'T SAY SO MYSELF.
- I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TANNING.
- AND THE FAKE LITTLE MOVIE SPROUTED LEGS.
- FUCK YEAH, IT HAS! - IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
- WE'RE NOT REALLY CAPABLE OF WRITING UTTER SHIT.
- IT ALL CENTERS AROUND FIVE GIRLS...
- HOT SLUTS.
- WHO ARE ENJOYING A SLUMBER PARTY...
- UNTIL A MONSTER COMES ALONG
AND RIPS THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF!
- EH, SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.
- I THOUGHT I WAS PLAYING THE LEAD.
- IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE.
HAS ANYONE TOLD CHASE YET?
- BUT I'M IN IT, RIGHT?
- SO WE ADDED CHASE LOCKWOOD IN
AS THE LEAD GIRL'S BOYFRIEND.
HE COMES IN AND SAVES THE DAY!
- CAN I HAVE BRASS KNUCKLES?
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE FAKE ACTORS IN THE FAKE MOVIE.
- AND JUSTIN WAS BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH ABOUT EVERYTHING,
SO WE TOLD HIM HE COULD PLAY CHASE'S BEST FRIEND.
- WE SHOULD BE BROTHERS. - NOPE.
- VAMPIRES? - NOPE.
- SUPERMODELS?
- SHUT THE FUCK UP, JUSTIN.
- OKAY.
WHAT ABOUT THE GAY CHARACTER?
I FORGOT TO TELL THEM
WE NEED TO WRITE IN A GAY CHARACTER FOR PARKER.
- I DON'T WRITE HOMOS...
ANYMORE.
- WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE AT THIS POINT.
- SO I AGREED.
THE FIERCE MONSTER TURNED INTO A FIERCE GAY GUY.
- MOTIVE, GUYS?
- ONE OF THE GIRLS
SAW HER BOYFRIEND KISSING ANOTHER GUY,
AND THAT MADE HER REALLY UPSET.
- SO UPSET THAT SHE HAD TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER
WITH ALL OF HER BEST FRIENDS
AND ONLY WEAR LINGERIE.
- AND SINCE THE BOYFRIEND WASN'T READY
TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET JUST YET,
HE OBVIOUSLY HAD TO KILL ALL OF THE GIRLS
BEFORE HIS SECRET SPREAD TOO FAR.
- SO MY CHARACTER GETS KILLED BY AN ANGRY GAY GUY?
both: YES.
- FUCK.
- LONG LIVE THE ANGRY GAY GUY!
I'M IN.
[upbeat rock music]
- ♪ IT'S TOO LATE ♪
♪ TO TURN BACK NOW
♪ SO TURN IT UP, AND MAKE IT LOUD ♪
♪ IT'S THE CROWD ♪
♪ IF YOU LET THEM SEE
♪ IT'S NOT FOR YOU OR YOU OR YOU ♪
♪ IT'S FOR ME ♪
♪ IT'S TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW ♪
- HERE'S WHERE THE FUN BEGINS.
SO THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IS THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS ON THEIR PERIOD.
- OKAY.
AND I NEED EACH ONE OF YOU GUYS
TO SEND ME A DETAILED DESCRIPTION
OF THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS.
THAT WAY, WE CAN SEND IT TO KATIE
AND GET A LITTLE CASTING NOTICE UP.
- BIG TITS. - I SECOND THAT.
- [scoffs] GREAT, GUYS.
- GROSS.
THE ONLY THING TATAS DO FOR ME IS REMIND ME
OF WHEN I DRANK MY MOTHER'S MILK.
- SERIOUSLY, GUYS.
THERE'S FIVE GIRLS BEING CAST, RIGHT?
- YES. - RIGHT.
- SO THAT'S ONE FOR EACH OF US,
AND THEY CAN LOOK LIKE AND BE LIKE WHATEVER WE WANT.
- YES, PARKER?
- AND AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THERE'S TO BE ONE BOY?
- TWO, ACTUALLY. - WHY TWO?
- WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO DUDES KISS,
WE'VE GOT TO CAST THEM BOTH.
- NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY. WE CAN JUST CAST THE ONE.
I'LL MAKE A CAMEO APPEARANCE.
- WHY IS THAT PARKER GUY ALWAYS STARING AT ME?
- GUYS, FOCUS.
I KNOW THIS PLAN WILL WORK, BUT IF WE'RE GONNA GET LAID,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS CASTING NOTICE SERIOUSLY.
- SO ONE BY ONE, THE BOYS DESCRIBED TO ME
THEIR PERFECT GIRL.
- AHEM.
- AND BOY.
- A GOOD GIRL-NEXT-DOOR TYPE, PREFERABLY BRUNETTE,
GOOD SMILE, GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR,
AND A LITTLE QUIRKY, HAS BOOBS,
AND ISN'T CRAZY.
- YOU KNOW, BLONDE OR BRUNETTE, DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
SHE HAS TO BE A BOMBSHELL, THOUGH, OBVIOUSLY,
AND SHE HAS TO TOLERATE THIS KID THAT'S IN A MAN'S BODY.
OH, AND SHE HAS TO LIKE ANAL PLAY.
- BRUNETTE.
PETITE.
SLENDER TO MILDLY ATHLETIC.
GORGEOUS FACE. GREAT SMILE.
SWEET ASS.
SMALL BUT WITH SOME POP.
IT JUST SHOULD FIT PERFECTLY IN MY HAND.
I'M AN ASS GUY. LOVE ASS.
NOT SO MUCH FOR TITS, BUT ASS.
- I WANT TO DATE THE PERFECT BLONDE,
THE KIND WHOSE LOOKS AND SMILES LIGHTS UP A ROOM,
ABOUT 5'2" TO 5'7"
WITH LOTS OF POSITIVE ENERGY.
TOTALLY COOL, THOUGH, IF SHE HAS DADDY ISSUES
OR IS A LITTLE UNSTABLE.
MAKES HER EASIER TO MANIPULATE.
- [sighs] THE PERFECT GUY.
SO TOUGH TO DESCRIBE.
PREPPY TO JOCKISH. AROUND 25.
MUSCULAR.
NO, NO, NOT MUSCULAR. WELL-TONED.
JUST NOT CHUNKY. FUCK CHUNKY.
- I BET I ALREADY KNOW WHAT CHASE WILL SAY.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
- I LIKE A CHICK WHO'S...
- BLOND... - BLOND...
- NICE LIPS... - SEXY LIPS...
- TAN... - FAKE TAN.
WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FAKE.
JUST TAN, I GUESS.
- AND BIG BOOBS.
- AND BIG, BEAUTIFUL FUCKING TITTIES.
- WELL, THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE.
- OKAY, MAYBE THIS IS AN OUTSIDE OPINION,
BUT DID YOU GUYS EVER THINK
THAT DOING ALL THIS COULD BE, UM,
WRONG?
OKAY, THEN.
- WELL, I'D BE FLATTERED IF I WERE CHOSEN.
- THANK YOU, KATIE. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
- UH, I DID NOTICE ONE POSSIBLE LITTLE PROBLEM
THAT WE MIGHT BE FACING, THOUGH.
- WHAT?
- WELL, NOBODY DESCRIBED A, UM--UM--
- A WHAT?
- AN ETHNIC GIRL.
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
- HE'S GOT A GOOD ARGUMENT. - BUT WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?
- WELL, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK WE'RE RACIST.
- WHO'S GONNA THINK THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
ANYONE WHO LOOKS AT THE CASTING NOTICE
OR DISTRIBUTORS ONE DAY.
I MEAN, WE ARE PLANNING TO MARKET AND SELL THIS
AS A DOCUMENTARY EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?
- HE HAS A POINT. - THANK YOU, NEWT.
- NO, SHUT UP, NEWT!
JUST HOLD THE CAMERA, AND HOLD THE RED BUTTON
WHEN I TELL YOU TO!
- SOMETIMES I THINK JUSTIN FORGETS
WHO'S HOLDING THE CAMERA.
- I SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM,
BUT THIS PROJECT IS ABOUT US GETTING EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT.
I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO WORRY ABOUT CATERING
TO ALL DIFFERENT COLORS AND KINDS OF PEOPLE.
I MEAN, UNLESS ONE OF YOU GUYS WANTS TO PICK SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T WHITE.
- YEAH. SURE, WHY NOT?
I'LL BITE THE BULLET.
- WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY KIND OF YOU.
BITE THE BULLET?
WE'RE TRYING TO BE AS POLITICALLY CORRECT
AND CONSIDERATE AS POSSIBLE IN THIS PROJECT.
- I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BANG AN ASIAN CHICK.
- AND MARK ME DOWN FOR OPEN ETHNICITY.
- OKAY, SO IT'S SETTLED.
KATIE, YOU HAVE ALL THE NOTES?
- RIGHT HERE. - PERFECT.
TONIGHT YOU, ME, AND BEN WILL POST THE CASTING NOTICE
ON THE BREAKDOWN SITE.
PROBABLY CAN GET OVER 1,000 SUBMISSIONS.
- MAYBE 1 MILLION.
- DOUBTFUL.
- YOU GONNA SAY I'M STARRING IN THIS THING, RIGHT?
- YES, SIR. - MILLI.
- WE'LL CALL IN ALL THE GIRLS THAT ARE SEVEN AND ABOVE.
AUDITIONS WILL BE NEXT WEEK.
ANY FINAL QUESTIONS?
- BUT WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY GONNA MAKE THE MOVIE, RIGHT?
- ♪ LET'S MEET TONIGHT IF YOU WANT TO ♪
♪ YOU BRING THE GIRLS
♪ I'LL BRING MY CREW ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH
♪ WE'LL GET IT FEELING RIGHT ♪
[upbeat pop punk music]
♪ ROCK ME TONIGHT IF YOU FEEL SO ♪
♪ NO INHIBITIONS, JUST LET GO ♪
♪ YEAH
- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD PUT ME AS A PRODUCER AS WELL.
- WHY? - BECAUSE IT'S POWER.
BE A LOT EASIER FOR ME TO GET LAID
IF I'M A PRODUCER AND NOT JUST AN ACTOR WITH A SAY IN CASTING.
- BUT I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRODUCER.
- WE COULD BOTH BE PRODUCERS.
- OKAY, WHICH ONE IS IT, ONE OR TWO?
- TWO. - WAIT.
- WHAT?
- HOW ABOUT IF I'M THE PRODUCER
AND YOU'RE, LIKE, A COPRODUCER?
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
- I'VE BEEN DOING MY HOMEWORK AND RESEARCHING
A VARIETY OF JOB TITLES IN THIS INDUSTRY,
AND I FOUND THAT PRODUCER IS SORT OF LIKE A HEAD HONCHO.
I USED TO THINK IT WAS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,
BUT THAT'S MORE OF A MONEY GUY,
AND COPRODUCER IS CERTAINLY A STEP BELOW.
I WANT TO BE THE ONLY PRODUCER ON THIS THING
IF I'M ACTUALLY GONNA PRODUCE IT.
IT'S A POWER AND CONTROL KIND OF THING.
I'M GOOD AT HAVING BOTH.
- FINE. MAKE ME COPRODUCER.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE SUCH A RETARD SOMETIMES.
- OKAY, AND JOHNSON IS EXEC, RIGHT?
- YES. - OKAY.
NOW WE'RE INTO THE STORY AND THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS.
- ♪ HEY, HEY
♪ BABY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO PARTY NOW ♪
♪ WE GOT IT GOING, CAN'T SHUT US DOWN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SAY, "OOH, BABY, I LIKE IT," YEAH ♪
♪ BABY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO PARTY NOW ♪
- OKAY, GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M A LITTLE OFFENDED.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE TWO BLONDES AND TWO BRUNETTES,
NO REDHEADS.
- OH, NO. NOT THE ETHNIC CARD AGAIN.
- OH, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE GOOD NOT TO HAVE, LIKE, TWO BLONDES.
I MEAN, A LITTLE DIVERSITY IS ALWAYS NICE.
- YOU WANT TO GIVE UP YOUR BLONDE?
- FUCK NO. - MAYBE CHASE WILL.
- HEY, CHASE, YOU WANT TO DATE A REDHEAD INSTEAD?
- UH, YEAH, SURE. WHATEVER.
- I FIGURE WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT,
HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE.
- REDHEAD, BLONDE, I DON'T REALLY CARE.
BESIDES, IF I LIKE JUSTIN'S BLONDE CHICK BETTER,
I'M JUST GONNA STEAL HER FROM HIM ANYWAYS.
- AND THAT SHOULD DO IT.
- HEY, HOW COME I DON'T GET A GIRL?
- YOU NEVER SAID YOU WANTED ONE.
- WHY WOULDN'T I?
- WE CAN ADD IN ONE MORE CHARACTER, CAN'T WE?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
THEN ROSS AND AUSTIN WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE THE WHOLE STORY.
- BUT IT'S NOT A REAL STORY.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
WE COULD ADD IN ONE MORE GIRL BUT NOT ACTUALLY CAST HER.
COOL?
- I GUESS.
- OKAY, NEWT, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
- BIG-BOTTOM GIRLS.
- REALLY? - REALLY?
- YEAH. - IT'S TRUE.
- I WON'T ASK.
AND OFF IT GOES.
- AND SO IT BEGINS.
[bombastic drum music]
♪
- WELL, THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
- THAT WAS SOME FUN SHIT.
- I JUST SPENT THE LAST WEEK
IN A ROOM FULL OF BOYS
LOOKING AT LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF FEMALE PICTURES AND RESUMES.
- I THINK I COULD GET INTO CASTING.
- BUT INSTEAD OF CALLING IN 100 GIRLS FOR EACH ROLE...
- I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED IN AT LEAST 100.
- I HELPED THEM NARROW IT DOWN TO JUST THE CREAM OF THE CROP
SO WE COULD ACTUALLY GET THROUGH THESE AUDITIONS.
- AND I'M ONLY LETTING THEM USE THE THEATER FOR ONE DAY.
[drum cadence]
♪
- YOU BOYS READY? - BRING THEM IN.
- LOT OF ANTICIPATION FOR TODAY.
WE GOT TO ORGANIZE TO RUN LIKE CLOCKWORK.
- SO WE'RE STARTING WITH ME.
MY GIRLS ARE COMING IN TO READ FOR THE ROLE OF "ABBY,"
THE ULTRA-SLUTTY HOT ASIAN WHORE.
OH, YEAH. [clicks tongue]
- GUYS, UP FIRST, THIS IS AMBER.
all: HI, AMBER. - HI.
- I'LL BE READING WITH YOU, SO WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
- OKAY.
I BROUGHT A SURPRISE FOR JENNY. - WHAT?
- A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS!
- NO ONE SAID THE SCRIPT WAS AWARD-WORTHY.
- WHAT? WHY?
THIS ISN'T A BACHELORETTE PARTY.
- WELL, SHE NEEDS TO GET HER MIND OFF IT SOMEHOW.
- WE WEREN'T SHOOTING FOR AN OSCAR HERE.
- TRUST ME, RACHEL.
ONCE YOU TURN THIS THING ON AND STICK IT UP YOUR VAG,
YOU'LL BE HOOKED.
- SHE WAS CUTE.
I'D FUCK HER BUT ONLY IF SHE CAME INTO MY ROOM
AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.
- SHE WASN'T BAD. - YOU CAN HAVE HER, THEN.
- HI, EVERYBODY.
[whistles blowing, cow bell dings]
[baby coos]
- NOW WE'RE TALKING.
- WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
YOU'LL BE READING WITH ME.
- WHO WROTE THIS? - I DID. I DID.
- WE DID, ACTUALLY.
- IT IS SO GOOD. YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME.
- WELL, I TRIED.
- WE TRIED.
- WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
- SHE WAS GOOD AT STROKING THE EGO.
I WONDER IF SHE WAS GOOD AT STROKING AT STROKING MY...
- WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS? [gasps]
- I'M GONNA GUESS YES.
- O.M.G.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?
- HEARD WHAT?
- HER BOYFRIEND IS, LIKE, [whispering] GAY.
- SHUT UP. HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- SHE TOLD ME SHE SAW HIM KISS ANOTHER GUY.
THAT'S WHY LOLA IS, LIKE, THROWING HER THIS SLUMBER PARTY.
SHE IS SO UPSET.
- THAT'S AWFUL. - I KNOW, RIGHT?
BUT THESE LITTLE BAD BOYS WILL DO THE TRICK.
- THANKS. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- NO. THANK YOU.
- SHE DESERVES AN AWARD... - FOR THE BEST CLEAVAGE EVER.
- SHE MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT.
- DOES IT MATTER THAT SHE CAN'T ACT?
- DOES IT MATTER?
IF SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT, SHE CAN ACT HOWEVER SHE WANTS.
- WE AREN'T CASTING FOR THEIR TALENT.
- NEXT, PLEASE.
- GUYS, THIS IS CANDACE.
- CANDACE SCHMANDACE. SHE WAS TOO EAGER.
- HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
- STOP BEING PATHETIC.
- NO, YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.
[giggles]
- AND THEN CAME THE TRIPPER.
- OOPS. [chuckles]
SORRY.
- NOTHING IS MORE ATTRACTIVE
THAN A GIRL WHO CAN'T WALK GOOD...
- OR A GUY WHO CAN'T SPEAK WELL.
- I'M SO EMBARRASSED. [laughs]
GUESS I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
- YOU THINK? NEXT.
- A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS.
- WELL, WASN'T THAT LOVELY?
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A FEW
OF THOSE HEAD SHOTS HOME WITH ME TONIGHT.
- THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
- IT'S MY TURN. PRESSURE'S ON.
LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.
MY PERFECT GIRL PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE AN ACTRESS,
AND IF SHE WAS, SHE'D CONSIDER HERSELF AN ARTIST,
NOT AN ACTRESS.
- I THINK ROSS MIGHT BE GAY.
- I'M SURE LOTS OF GUYS SAY IT,
BUT BRAINS REALLY ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS BEAUTY.
- HI. I'M BELLA MICHAELS.
- ME LIKEY.
- OH, BOY.
NOW I GET TO READ THE OTHER ROLE.
A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS.
- WHAT? WHY?
THIS IS NOT A BACHELORETTE PARTY.
- SHE NEEDS TO GET HER MIND OFF IT SOMEHOW.
- OFF WHAT?
- ME GUSTA.
- I'VE NEVER USED ONE BEFORE.
- SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH. THEY FRIGHTEN ME.
- [whispering] I'LL PROTECT YOU.
- THAT'S AWFUL.
- THIS IS HARD.
SO IS THAT.
- THANKS SO MUCH, GUYS.
- WOW. I MEAN, WHOA.
THEY WERE ALL REALLY GOOD.
- SERIOUSLY? - YEAH.
YOU GUYS DIDN'T THINK SO?
- YOU CAN'T FALL FOR EVERY GIRL THAT WALKS INTO THE ROOM TODAY.
- WHO'S FALLING? I'M JUST COMMENTING.
- NO, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
STEP IT UP A NOTCH, BITCH.
THIS IS THE TIME TO BE EXTRA CRITICAL.
- I AM. I'M JUST SAYING.
THAT LAST ONE, ESPECIALLY. SHE HAD GREAT CHEMISTRY.
MAYBE NOT WITH ME BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW, WITH THE WHOLE ROOM
AND WITH KATIE.
KATIE'S ACTUALLY DOING A REALLY NICE JOB TODAY.
- ♪ OH, OH, OH, OOH-WHOA ♪
- AND WE'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE A COOL GIRL LIKE HER WORKING WITH US.
- GENTLEMEN, THIS IS BRITTANY.
- SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.
- I DON'T KNOW. - TRUST ME, RACHEL.
ONCE YOU STICK THIS UP YOUR VAG, YOU'LL BE HOOKED.
- OH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GETTING WET JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
- UM, WHAT?
- I'M IMPROVISING. JUST KEEP GOING.
- UH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- I BET IT IS.
IT LOOKS SO BIG AND SO HARD.
- YUP, IT'S VERY HARD.
- LIKE A ROCK.
[moans]
ROCK-HARD.
I LOVE A BIG, ROCK-HARD FAKE PENIS IN MY HAND.
[moaning]
- WHO DOESN'T?
- PLEASE DON'T STOP.
- YOU CAN STOP NOW.
- DAMN IT!
- WELL, THAT WAS INTERESTING.
- WHAT'S ON HER RESUME?
- YEAH, I THINK SHE'S A PORN STAR.
- I KNEW IT. - HOW CAN YOU TELL?
- SHE WAS A LEAD IN FUCK MY BUTT 3, 4, AND 5.
- NOT EXACTLY MY TYPE.
- THIS IS MARGO.
- DOES SHE EVEN WANT TO BE HERE?
- HER BOYFRIEND IS GAY.
- WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I SAID, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- THIS GIRL COULD KICK MY ASS.
- AND THIS IS ALEX.
[touching piano music]
♪
- WOW.
- HEARD WHAT?
- HER BOYFRIEND IS GAY.
- SHUT UP.
- NO, YOU SHUT UP.
HOLY HOT GIRL!
- DAMN.
- OKAY, NOW, I CAN REALLY
SEE MYSELF WITH THIS GIRL.
- YEAH, THEY FRIGHTEN ME.
- SUCH A SWEETHEART.
- TOTALLY A SWEETHEART.
- WHERE ARE YOU FROM? - ALABAMA.
- I THOUGHT I HEARD A LITTLE TWANG IN THERE.
- YOU SURE DID.
YOU CAN'T HIDE THAT CUTENESS ANYWHERE.
- OH, YOU BOYS ARE SO SWEET.
- AND THAT WAS A VERY NICE READ. YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED.
- [blows raspberry]
- STOP. Y'ALL ARE GONNA MAKE ME BLUSH.
- WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT IN HERE,
NOW, CAN WE?
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THIS IS A BLUSH-FREE ROOM.
A BLUSH-FREE ROOM?
- THE SHIT THAT FALLS OUT OF THAT GUY'S MOUTH SOMETIMES,
I SWEAR.
- YOU GUYS ARE MAKING MY DAY.
I WAS HAVING SUCH A TERRIBLE ONE.
- OH, NO. WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, NO.
I AM NOT GONNA VENT TO Y'ALL.
- NO, NO, NO, NO! DO IT!
WE LOVE VENTING. - IGNORE HIS TONE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL US ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO.
- WELL, I HAD TO TAKE MY DOG TO THE VET,
AND THEN ON THE WAY THERE, I GOT A FLAT TIRE,
AND THEN MY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME.
- OH, NO.
IS YOUR DOG GONNA BE OKAY?
- FUCK THE DOG!
- YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- YEAH.
WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING.
I'VE TAKEN UP WAY TOO MUCH OF Y'ALL TIME.
- NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
JUST, UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,
AND I HOPE YOUR DOGGY GETS BETTER.
- THANK YOU. - YEAH.
- DOGGY?
MAYBE ROSS IS GAY.
- I HOPE SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
- I HOPE HER DOUCHE BAG EX-BOYFRIEND
REALIZES WHAT HE JUST LOST.
- YEAH, I'D PROBABLY EVEN FUCK HER IN FRONT OF ROSS.
- FINALLY, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
TIME FOR MY GIRLS.
WE'RE LOOKING TO CAST "JENNY," THE SMOKING SEXY BLONDE.
YOU KNOW THE TYPE:
THE ONE WHOSE LOOKS AND SMILE
DESERVE THEIR OWN SLOW-MOTION ENTRANCE.
- ALL RIGHT, GUYS. THIS IS LINDSAY GRIFFIN.
- ♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪
- I MEAN, WOW.
- SHE IS SO HOT SHE COULD BE FROM VENUS.
- HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU YOU LOOK LIKE BARBIE?
- ALL THE TIME. - REALLY?
- NO.
- AND PERSONALITY TOO. I LIKE IT.
SO YOU'LL BE READING AS JENNY. I'LL BE READING AS GEORGE.
FEEL FREE TO USE ME AS YOUR PARTNER.
YES, THERE IS A KISS WRITTEN INTO THIS AUDITION SCENE,
SO PUCKER UP, BABY, AND PREPARE TO LAY ONE ON ME.
- HAS THIS GUY EVER HAD SOMEONE TWIDDLE HIS FIDDLE?
- QUICK, LET'S HIDE IN HERE.
- THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO WHAT ARE YOU MORE UPSET ABOUT,
YOUR BOYFRIEND COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET
OR THE FACT THAT THERE'S A KILLER ON THE LOOSE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE BOTH PRETTY AWFUL, THOUGH.
- I THINK I SAVED YOU JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
- YOU DID. I WAS DEFINITELY A GONER.
- I'VE NEVER SAVED ANYONE'S LIFE BEFORE.
- I GUESS I'M JUST A LUCKY GIRL.
- I FEEL LUCKY HAVING SAVED YOU.
- I GUESS WE'RE JUST BOTH LUCKY.
- YEAH, LUCKY.
- THANKS, GUYS.
- [laughs]
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
[all laugh]
- AND WE EVEN WROTE IT IN.
- BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, BUDDY.
- ♪ LISTEN HERE, I'M GLAD TO BE ALONE ♪
♪ TO BE ALONE
♪ LISTEN HERE, I'M GLAD TO BE ALONE ♪
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
[both laugh]
I MEAN, AM I NOT AS ATTRACTIVE AS I THINK I AM?
- NOPE.
- DON'T WORRY, DUDE.
THERE'S A LOT MORE COMING IN.
- I JUST DON'T GET WHY I--
- CALM DOWN, PIP-SQUEAK.
I'LL SOLVE YOUR LITTLE DILEMMA.
HE'S GONNA OWE ME.
HI, AND YOU ARE...
- KRISTIN. - KRISTIN.
I'M THE DIRECTOR.
NOW, I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I'M JUST NOT FEELING THE PASSION FROM ANY OF THE JENNYS YET,
SO THAT I'M GONNA REALLY NEED YOU TO DO IS,
REALLY GET INTO THIS CHARACTER FOR ME, OKAY?
CAN YOU DO THAT?
- YOU GOT IT, DUDE.
- GREAT.
YOU'LL BE READING WITH JUSTIN HERE.
OWE ME BIG, HE WILL.
- I GUESS I'M JUST A LUCKY GIRL.
- I FEEL LUCKY THAT I GOT TO SAVE YOU.
- I GUESS WE'RE BOTH JUST LUCKY.
- YEAH. LUCKY.
- YEAH.
- I DON'T DO NOTHING FOR NOTHING.
NICE JOB.
- THANKS.
- HEY, I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
- SURE.
- WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DO NUDITY?
- IT DIDN'T SAY THERE'D BE NUDITY
IN THE CASTING.
- WELL, YEAH, I KNOW, BUT YOU JUST SEEM
LIKE THE KIND OF CHICK THAT WOULD.
- SERIOUSLY?
- [sighs]
- WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. CALM DOWN, DUDE, ALL RIGHT?
I'VE BEEN TO LOTS OF CASTINGS BEFORE.
I WAS GONNA GET HER TO TAKE HER TOP OFF FOR YOU.
- AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME WE LET CHASE ASK QUESTIONS.
- AT LEAST I HAD PARKER ON MY SIDE FOR THE REST.
HOPE I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING.
[pop punk music]
♪ OH, I'VE NEVER KNOWN ♪
♪ JUST WHAT IT MEANS
♪ TO BE ALONE
- WOW.
THAT WAS A REALLY GREAT SCENE.
- I KNOW. I GOT REALLY INTO IT.
- HOW WAS IT, GUYS? DID IT LOOK AS GOOD AS IT FELT?
- YEAH, LIKE A SCENE STRAIGHT OUT OF THE NOTEBOOK.
- I LOVE THAT MOVIE. - WHO DOESN'T?
- I DON'T.
- WELL, REALLY GREAT WORKING WITH YOU, SUMMER.
- THANKS. YOU TOO.
BYE, BOYS.
- DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
GETTING PRETTY DAMN GOOD AT THIS CHARACTER TOO.
YOU KNOW, THIS BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY IDEA
IS REALLY STARTING TO GROW ON ME.
- ALL RIGHT. UP NEXT, JORDAN?
- OOPS.
- GUYS, THIS IS JORDAN HOLLIDAY.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING HERE?
- WE CALLED IN CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT AUDITIONING. GET HER OUT OF HERE!
- REALLY, CHASE?
THEY SHOULD CAST ME IN THIS.
I'M THE BIGGEST NAME THEY'RE GONNA GET.
- KATIE, PLEASE ESCORT THAT BITCH OUT OF HERE.
- MAN, YOU ARE SUCH A BOY.
- KATIE DID SOME OF THE CASTING E-MAILS.
I HONESTLY DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
- HE SAID IT WAS THE BEST SEX HE EVER HAD?
MM.
[chuckles]
- WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE WAS THAT?
- DUDE, WASN'T ON PURPOSE.
- KIND OF FUNNY, THOUGH. - NO, MAN, THAT SUCKS.
- ACTUALLY, IT'S A GOOD THING.
- HOW THE FUCK IS THAT A GOOD THING?
- BECAUSE SHE SAW ALL THESE HOT GIRLS
COMING IN AND OUT OF HERE.
YOU CAN USE IT TO MAKE HER JEALOUS.
TALKING OUT OF MY ASS, BUT HEY, IT COULD WORK.
I AM SORRY, THOUGH, BRO.
- NO, FUCK IT. IT'S COOL.
LET'S GET MY GIRLS IN HERE.
- DODGED THAT ONE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHECK OUT SOME REDHEADS.
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD FIRE CROTCH.
- HEY, CHASE.
I'VE SEEN ALMOST ALL YOUR MOVIES.
- COOL.
- IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
- I MEAN, SHE'S KIND OF A REDHEAD,
BUT WITH TITTIES LIKE THAT,
I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S A BROWNHEAD.
- CHELSEA, YOU'LL BE READING LOLA,
AND CHASE WILL BE READING WITH YOU AS BRAD.
- OH, MY GOSH.
YOU'RE READING WITH ME?
- SAME SHIT. DIFFERENT DAY.
YUP.
DIFFERENT DAY. SAME SHIT.
- I'M SO GLAD YOU SHOWED UP!
THERE'S A KILLER IN HERE!
- WHAT KILLER? WHERE?
- HE JUST KILLED ABBY AND RAN UP THE STAIRS!
- WELL, THEN YOU BETTER STAY DOWN HERE.
I'LL GO FIND HIM.
- NO, DON'T. HE HAS AN AX.
- BUT I KNOW KARATE.
- PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY HIM TO DO THIS.
- OH, BRAD. YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.
- I TRY. - AND YOU SUCCEED.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
- I SHOULD BE GETTING PAID FOR THIS.
- HE JUST KILLED ABBY, AND HE RAN UPSTAIRS!
- OH, WELL, THEN YOU BETTER STAY HERE.
I'LL GO FIND HIM.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, DON'T! HE HAS AN AX.
- BUT I KNOW KARATE.
- WAIT! - WHAT?
- I'M SCARED.
- AW, DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE.
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
- OH, BRAD, YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.
- [chuckles] I TRY.
- YOU SUCCEED.
OH, SHIT. I ALMOST JUST KISSED YOU.
I'M SO SORRY.
- IT'S COOL, BABE.
- OKAY, THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.
- [sighs]
- DAMN, BRO! I AM JELLY!
CAN I BE YOU FOR, LIKE, A DAY?
YEAH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN READ WITH THE NEXT ONE.
I GOT TO TAKE A PISS.
- SWEET!
BRING ME A GINGER!
- SPEAKING OF REDHEADS,
KATIE'S KIND OF CUTE,
DON'T YOU THINK, NEWT?
- I'D BANG HER.
- ♪ OR IS IT JUST A HEARTBEAT?
- RYAN IS A LUCKY GUY.
- HEY, NEWTON, WE'RE JUST GONNA MOVE ON.
YOUR GIRLS ARE HERE NOW.
DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE THEM COME IN?
- UH, SURE. - OKAY.
- HEY, NEWT, SINCE WE DIDN'T WRITE SIDES FOR YOUR GIRLS,
LET'S JUST TELL THEM
IT'S A REALLY SECRET PART OF THE SCRIPT
THAT REQUIRES A REALLY STRONG SCREAM QUEEN.
- UH, OKAY.
- OKAY.
- OKAY, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
LET US HEAR IT.
- [inhales]
[screams]
- [screams]
- YEAH, I ENJOYED THAT.
- ROOM FULL OF HOT BRUNETTES OUT THERE.
- I GUESS THAT MEANS IT'S MY TURN.
IT SAYS HERE YOU'VE GOT LOTS OF IMPROV EXPERIENCE.
- THAT I DO.
- CAN YOU TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT?
- UH--
- I LOVE HOW BEN ACTS
LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I DID IMPROV FOR OVER A YEAR.
HE DIDN'T ASK ME A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT.
- JUSTIN SUCKED AT IMPROV.
THERE'S A REASON WHY HE'S A WAITER.
- WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU DO THE AUDITION MONOLOGUE,
BUT FEEL FREE TO IMPROV WHEREVER IT TAKES YOU.
- [sighs]
[clears throat]
WHERE ARE YOU?
COME AND GET ME. I DARE YOU.
YOU'VE KILLED ALL OF MY BEST FRIENDS.
SHOW YOURSELF TO ME.
- I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
- WHAT?
ARE YOU CHICKEN?
HUH?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BLAINE!
COME AND GET ME!
WHERE ARE YOU?
- I'M GETTING DIZZY.
- COME AND GET ME. I DARE YOU.
- GREAT. GREAT.
THAT'S REALLY ALL WE NEEDED TO SEE.
- [chuckles] THANKS.
- I'M SOLD, HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.
NAIL IN THE COFFIN. SIGN ME UP.
I WANT TO EAT HER PUSSY.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- NO, THANK YOU.
[door creaking]
- YOU'RE RIDICULOUS. - DID YOU NOT SEE HER?
- WE ALL SAW HER.
- WAS SHE NOT OOZING WITH HOTNESS?
COME ON, CHASE. I SAW YOU STARING.
WASN'T SHE FANTASTIC?
- SHE WAS HOT.
- SOMEBODY TAKE ME OUT OF THE OVEN,
'CAUSE I'M DONE.
- I GUESS IN THIS PROJECT WE SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.
I'M GONNA GO MAKE A LITTLE SPEECH,
SAVE US ALL A LITTLE TIME.
- WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY?
- MY GUESS, IT'S GONNA BE SOMETHING ABOUT SUCKING COCK.
- OR ASS PLAY.
- OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING CRYSTAL CLEAR.
THIS IS A GAY CHARACTER YOU'LL BE READING FOR.
YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO KISS A GUY.
SO FOR ANY OF YOU COOL DUDES WITH A GIRLFRIEND
WHO SAYS YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT BUT THEN YOU END UP
NOT BEING OKAY WITH IT DURING FILMING,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU KISS A GUY RIGHT HERE
RIGHT NOW IN THE AUDITION.
IT'S IN THE SCRIPT.
SO IF ANY OF YOU COOL DUDES HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT,
FEEL FREE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
- GROSS.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- UH, NOTHING.
- FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
- OKAY, LET'S DO THIS. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL.
KATIE, WILL YOU PLEASE BRING THE FIRST ONE IN?
OH, AND I'LL BE READING WITH THEM.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'LL BE READING FOR BLAINE.
- OKAY. - READY?
- UH-HUH.
- YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
- I DO.
- SO THEN DO IT.
- BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT HERE.
- BUT...
SHE WILL BE ANY MINUTE.
- WELL, THEN, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
KISS ME.
- OKAY.
- JENNY! JENNY, NO!
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
- I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE PROUD OF THAT SCENE.
ANYONE? NEWT?
NO? GOT IT.
- THAT WAS SO WRONG. - THIS WHOLE DAY IS WRONG.
- WHAT, I THINK HE LIKED IT.
- YEAH, HE LIFTED HIS LEG. - [chuckles]
- WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, CHASE?
I SAW THAT MOVIE YOU DID, THE GAY VERSION OF TWILIGHT.
LOOKED LIKE YOU LIKED KISSING DUDES.
- UM, IT'S CALLED ACTING.
- OH, IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?
- HEY, THAT VAMPIRE MOVIE GOT ME A LOT OF PUSSY.
- UGH, I HATE THAT WORD.
- WHAT, PUSSY?
- NO. VAMPIRE.
DUMBASS.
- ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THIS IS NATHAN.
- WELL, HELLO, NATHAN.
- A LITTLE PIECE OF ME DIES AS EACH GUY WALKS IN.
- SO THEN WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
KISS ME.
- OKAY.
- I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC.
I'M JUST SCARED OF GAY PEOPLE.
- OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS TRENT.
- WHAT'S UP?
- DID I MENTION I'M TEAM JACOB?
SO YOU'RE BLAINE. - OKAY.
- OKAY, COOL.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
- I DO.
- SO DO IT.
- BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT HERE.
- SHE WILL BE ANY MINUTE.
- SO THEN WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
KISS ME.
- OKAY.
- MMM. LIKE A SUGAR COOKIE.
- HEY, PARKER, THERE'S ONE MORE GUY OUT THERE.
YOU WANT ME TO BRING HIM IN?
- I THOUGHT THERE WERE ONLY THREE OUT THERE.
- WELL, HE JUST SHOWED UP.
- WELL, FANTASTIC.
SEND HIM IN.
- THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTRIZZY.
- UM, WHAT?
- HELLO, PARKER.
GENTLEMEN.
- WTF?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WHAT?
I SAW YOUR LITTLE CASTING NOTICE.
I THOUGHT I'D COME OUT.
YOU ALWAYS DID PROMISE TO CAST ME IN SOMETHING.
- YOU'RE NOT RIGHT FOR THIS ROLE.
- BUT I'M AN ACTOR, A GENIUS ACTOR.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU USED TO SAY?
- YES, WE DATED, BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO,
BEFORE I WAS SUCCESSFUL.
- YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE PROMISES THAT YOU CANNOT KEEP.
- HE WAS MY MASSEUR.
HE HAD THE BEST HANDS.
- IN SOME CIRCLES, I'M FAMOUS FOR MY HANDS.
- IT IS TRULY AMAZING WHAT THAT MAN IS CAPABLE OF.
- THEY'RE LIKE MAGIC WEAPONS.
[blows air]
- BUT HE'S POSSESSIVE, JEALOUS, AND SCANDALOUS.
- HE CALLED ME SCANDALOUS?
WELL.
- YOU ARE NOT AUDITIONING.
- WHAT?
BECAUSE I'M NOT A TWINK ANYMORE?
- UH, WHAT'S A TWINK?
- ACCORDING TO HOMOLINGO.COM,
A TWINK IS A BOYISH-LOOKING YOUNG GAY MAN
WHO IS SLENDER WITH LITTLE TO NO BODY HAIR,
OFTEN BLOND BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE,
AND WHO DRESSES IN ULTRA-SLIM-FIT ATTIRE
AS IF ENTERING A CLUB OR BARKING ON A HIKE.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
- FINE.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.
[sinister music]
♪
- THAT DUDE WAS CRAY CRAY.
- HE BETTER CAST ME IN HIS LITTLE MOVIE.
OTHERWISE, I JUST MIGHT SHARE SOMETHING WITH THE WORLD.
WHAT, YOU ASK?
LET ME JUST SAY THAT WE ALL HAVE
OUR OWN DARK, LITTLE SECRETS,
DON'T WE?
- AUDITIONS CONCLUDED.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS PLAN IS GOING PERFECTLY.
TONS OF SEXY CHICKS IN TODAY,
ALL TOTALLY BELIEVING IN THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
NOW WE'RE GONNA HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE
TO DISCUSS CASTING.
[pop punk music]
♪
- THANKS, ROSS.
- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
SHE WAS ON HER FEET ALL DAY.
IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
- YOU SEE WHAT ROSS IS DOING HERE?
HE IS KIND OF LIKE A MAGNETIC FORCE
TO CHICKS WITH BOYFRIENDS.
HE'S THE KING OF THE FRIEND ZONE.
- OKAY, GUYS, SO I'M THINKING, TO GET THIS PLAN IN MOTION,
WE SHOULD ALL CALL THE PERSON THAT WE WANT TO CAST.
- SHOULDN'T KATIE DO THAT?
- YEAH, I AM THE CASTING DIRECTOR.
- YEAH, IN A REAL MOVIE, I WOULD SAY YES,
BUT IN A FAKE MOVE, I'M GONNA SAY, "FUCK, NO.
THAT'S RETARDED."
- POINT TAKEN.
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR
DALLAS'S SWEET AND SEXY VOICE AGAIN.
- WHILE I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION,
THERE IS SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS.
- WE'RE NOT CUTTING THE GAY CHARACTER.
- NO. NO, OBVIOUSLY.
IT'S A GREAT CHARACTER.
GOOD JOB ON THE SCRIPT, GUYS.
I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- UH, THANK YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU REALLY GETTING AT, CHEESE DICK?
- I THINK--
I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE THIS MOVIE.
- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
- THAT WAS NEVER PART OF THE PLAN.
- BUT IT WOULD BE A SHITTY PLAN WITH A SHITTY MOVIE.
- HEY! - WHAT?
IT'S NO MASTERPIECE.
- IN OUR DEFENSE, WE WEREN'T GOING FOR BRILLIANCE.
- YEAH, AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO WRITE IT.
- IT'S A REALLY GOOD STORY.
I'M SURE, WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME,
WE COULD REORGANIZE THE PLAN.
- SO WE'RE NOT MAKING THE MOVIE, OR WE ARE MAKING THE MOVIE?
- WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS MOVIE, JUSTIN.
WHAT WE ARE MAKING IS A DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT CASTING A FAKE MOVIE, RIGHT, NEWT?
- UH, THAT'S WHAT I WAS-- - SHUT UP, NEWT!
COME ON, GUYS. THIS COULD BE GREAT.
- BACK TO CASTING,
I THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH THE JACOB LOOK-ALIKE.
GIVE ME TWO WEEKS, ENOUGH ALCOHOL,
AND I'LL HAVE HIM CONVERTED.
- REALLY?
NOBODY THINKS THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
- I WOULD RATHER CUT OFF MY BALLS
AND SPOON FEED THEM TO MY MOTHER
THAN DIRECT THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY
STARRING JUSTIN NO-NAME THE CAREER WAITER.
- FINE.
WELL, I WANT TO CAST THAT CHICK SUMMER.
WE HAD GOOD CHEMISTRY, AND I THINK SHE KIND OF LIKES ME.
- SHE HAD A LOT OF AIR UPSTAIRS.
- YEAH, I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- EXACTLY.
AND SHE SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE OF GIRL
THAT WOULD LET ME THROW A PIECE OF BOLOGNA AT HER BARE ASS.
- MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
YOU CAN CAST WHOMEVER YOU WANT IN THIS GAME.
HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?
- OH, THE SOUTHERN BELLE. - ALEX.
- YES, ALEX. SHE WAS DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE.
- YEAH, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CAST HER.
NO, SHE WASN'T MY GIRL,
BUT I JUST WOULDN'T MIND SEEING HER AGAIN.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE ASIAN?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY KIND OF ALL LOOKED THE SAME TO ME.
[funky exotic music]
- WE'RE GOING TO HELL.
- I GUESS I'LL TAKE THE REALLY HOT ONE.
- OH, YEAH, THAT ONE WITH THE AMAZING, JUICY CLEAVAGE.
- YEAH, I THINK HER NAME WAS...
KIMMY?
[whistles blowing, cow bell dings]
[baby coos]
- HEY, I'D FEED HER SOME KUMQUATS.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, BROSKI?
YOU SHOULD CAST THAT REDHEADED CHICK.
SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO YOU.
- YEAH, WHAT WAS HER NAME? I THINK HER NAME WAS--
- SURE, THAT'S FINE.
- SHE SHOULD BE AN EASY LAY.
- YEAH, SURE. I MEAN, WHATEVER.
- I THINK CHASE IS STILL PRETTY BUMMED
ABOUT JORDAN SHOWING UP.
HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE.
I ACTUALLY FEEL KIND OF BAD FOR HIM.
- UH, SO YOU GUYS DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME?
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
WE MIGHT NEED YOU TO HELP US OUT A LITTLE BIT
WITH OUR GAME AT THE PARTY, THOUGH.
- WHEN IS THE PARTY?
- OH, I JUST TALKED TO JOHNSON.
- HEY, LITTLE MAN.
ANY TIME YOU WANT TO BRING OVER A BUNCH OF LITTLE HOTTIES,
YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO.
- WHEN EVERYONE MAKES THEIR CALLS
AND THEY'RE CASTING THEIR PERSON,
MAKE SURE THAT THEY CAN COME TO THE PARTY THIS SATURDAY.
- YEAH, WE'RE CALLING IT A KICKOFF PARTY,
A GOOD TIME FOR EVERYONE TO MEET AND MINGLE.
- YEAH, AND OBVIOUSLY GET WASTED.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- HEY, PERSONAL ASSISTANT?
- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR.
- ARE YOU COMING TO THE PARTY ALSO?
- UH, NO, WE CAN'T-- - SURE.
WE'LL BRING THE VINO. [giggles]
- AWESOME. - FANTASTIC.
- I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME ON THIS PROJECT.
AND NONE OF YOU GUYS ARE WORRIED ABOUT PISSING THESE PEOPLE OFF?
- NO, THEY ALSO GET TO BE IN THIS DOCUMENTARY.
- AND MEET A BUNCH OF GREAT GUYS.
- WELL, SOME OF US ARE GREAT.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN. JUST CHECKING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS IDEA EARLIER.
THIS IS HOLLYWOOD, THE LAND WHERE MAGIC HAPPENS.
THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE EPIC.
- HEY, WHAT'S UP? IS THIS CHELSEA?
YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS IS CHASE LOCKWOOD.
YEAH, HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?
SO I'M CALLING YOU BECAUSE--
- HI, IS THIS KIMMY?
HI, KIMMY, THIS IS AUSTIN.
I'M THE WRITER FOR THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
YES, IT'S GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.
- HI, THIS IS PARKER CALLING.
I'M THE DIRECTOR OF THE MOVIE THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- HEY, IS THIS DALLAS?
HEY, THIS IS BEN, THE PRODUCER ON THE--
- SUMMER, WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS IS JUSTIN.
I'M CALLING ON BEHALF OF THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
I'M ONE OF THE COPRODUCERS.
- HEY, ALEX, IT'S ROSS FROM THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- WE'RE ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED ABOUT CASTING YOU,
CASTING THE ROLE.
- YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.
- ...AND MEET THE REST OF THE CAST.
- WE WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU THE PART.
- ...KICKOFF PARTY ON SATURDAY.
- YEAH, WE'RE HAVING A KICKOFF PARTY THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY E-MAIL YOU ALL THE DETAILS.
- GONNA BE A LOT OF GIRLS THERE. - REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
WE'RE EXCITED TOO. - DON'T EAT ANYTHING BEFOREHAND.
THERE'S GONNA BE PLENTY OF ALCOHOL.
- WE'RE EXCITED TO SEE YOU ON SATURDAY.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU ON SATURDAY, OKAY?
- CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU. - I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
- ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE. - BYE-BYE.
- LATER. - OKAY, BYE.
[upbeat rock music]
♪
- TO GETTING LAID. - HERE, HERE.
- DON'T I GET A SHOT? - NO.
- HEY, BOYS.
- HEY, KATIE.
- I'M BASICALLY THE WINGMAN TONIGHT.
OR WINGWOMAN.
WHATEVER. [chuckles]
- KATIE IS GOING TO BE OUR LIAISON.
- DANGEROUS LIAISON.
[giggles] I LOVE IT!
- GUYS, I GOT A SURPRISE.
- FLAVORED CONDOMS?
- CLOSE.
I MADE FACEBOOK AND TWITTER ACCOUNTS
FOR THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- COOL.
- I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I HIRED BEN.
ALWAYS USING HIS NOGGIN.
- I FIGURE THIS JUSTIFIES THE PROJECT,
LENDS A MORE COLORFUL ILLUSION.
- HI.
- HEY, GIRLS. WELCOME.
AS THE GIRLS ARRIVED,
I HAD THE BRILLIANT IDEA THAT WE SHOULD GREET THEM ALL
INDIVIDUALLY.
[upbeat punk music]
♪
- AND I HAD THE BRILLIANT IDEA
TO GET THEM TO LIKE THE FACEBOOK PAGE.
[jazz beat]
♪
- LET'S GET THIS SHIT GOING.
- I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL
TO THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY CAST AND KICKOFF PARTY.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I'M JUSTIN. I'M PRODUCING.
- COPRODUCING.
- WELL, IF WE'RE GETTING TECHNICAL,
I'M A COPRODUCER.
I'LL ALSO BE PLAYING GEORGE.
- IF WE'RE REALLY GETTING TECHNICAL,
YOU'RE JUST A DOUCHE BAG.
- LADIES, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU HERE TO BEN.
HE'S THE HEAD PRODUCER. - HI.
- PARKER, THE DIRECTOR.
ROSS AND AUSTIN, THE WRITERS.
- HI. - YO.
- AND I'M SURE YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH CHASE LOCKWOOD.
HE'S GONNA BE PLAYING BRAD THE BOYFRIEND.
- I'VE SEEN, LIKE, ALL OF HIS MOVIES,
AND I'M KIND OF A BIG FAN.
[mouthing words]
- AND THIS IS JOHNSON, THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.
- HELLO, LADIES.
WELCOME TO THE CAST, AND WELCOME TO MI CASA.
HAVE A DRINK OR SEVEN,
BUT ENJOY YOURSELVES.
- I WANT TO BE JOHNSON WHEN I GROW UP.
- AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED,
NEWT HERE IS OUR CINEMATOGRAPHER.
WE'VE ALREADY STARTED ROLLING
TO CAPTURE SOME GREAT BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE,
HAVE SOME GREAT BONUS FEATURES FOR THE DVD.
- THAT WAS ALL ME, THAT IDEA, THAT SPEECH.
- SO DON'T BE SHY, ENJOY THE CAMERA,
AND FEEL FREE TO INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.
- HI, I'M ALEX.
I'M PLAYING THE SWEET GIRL NEXT DOOR.
- I'M KIMMY. [laughs]
- WELL, I DO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO SOMEONE.
- I'M SUMMER.
I'M PLAYING JENNY. [giggles]
AND I'M THE LEAD, RIGHT?
- I'M ABBY, THE SLUTTY ONE.
- HELLO, I'M DALLAS MITCHELL.
I'M PLAYING BROOKE,
THE INFAMOUS SCREAM QUEEN AND THE LAST ONE TO SURVIVE.
- TYPECAST. [laughs]
- I'M LOLA-- I MEAN, CHELSEA.
I'LL BE PLAYING LOLA.
- YES, THE LUNGS OF A BANSHEE.
- THE SLUMBER PARTY IS AT MY HOUSE,
BECAUSE I'M THE RICH, SPOILED ONE.
- TRENT. PLAYING BLAINE.
- IT'S MY FIRST LEAD ROLE.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
I GOT TO KISS A DUDE.
- SUPER STOKED. [giggles]
- YEAH.
AGAIN.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, FELLAS?
THIS AIN'T NO GYMNASIUM.
WE'RE NOT HOLDING NO SIXTH GRADE DANCE.
- ♪ IT'S A TANK WITHOUT A POOL AND WE BREAKING ALL THE RULES ♪
♪ WALKING BY THE POOL WITH A BOTTLE FULL OF HONEY ♪
♪ LOOKING FOR SOME TAIL
- HE'S RIGHT.
- ♪ LET ME GET UP
♪ ON A HIGH HORSE FOR A MINUTE
♪ I KNOW I'D BE THE BEST THING ♪
- UH-OH. GAME ON.
- HEY, DALLAS,
CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?
- UM, SURE.
- HELLO, LADIES.
- HEY. - HI AGAIN.
- GLAD YOU BOTH COULD MAKE IT.
- SO FUN, RIGHT?
- YEAH. [laughter]
- UH-OH.
WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED. 10:00.
- SHE LOOKS A LITTLE NUTS.
- NOT AS CRAZY AS THAT KIMMY CHICK, THOUGH.
- ♪ I SEE A HOT CHICK WALKING QUICKLY MY WAY ♪
- YEAH, I GUESS.
- OH, HERE SHE COMES.
KILL IT, STUD.
- WHAT'S UP?
- I'VE GOT TO BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU.
I AM REALLY, REALLY EXCITED TO BE WORKING WITH YOU.
- SWEET.
- ♪ AND I WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED ♪
- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY, LITTLE MAN.
YOU DID WELL.
- HUH?
- I THINK SUMMER HERE
IS JUST PERFECT FOR THE LEAD.
- OH. - AW, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- I TOTALLY AGREE.
SHE'S GOT THE LOOKS AND THE TALENT.
- THAT'S WHAT MY DADDY SAYS.
- PERFECT.
- HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO STAY HERE?
- OH, SHUT UP.
- HEY, PERSONAL ASSISTANT,
WILL YOU GO GET TRENT
AND BRING HIM OVER HERE FOR ME, PLEASE?
- NO, I'M GOOD.
- FINE. KATIE, WILL YOU DO IT?
- UM, OKAY.
I WAS GONNA GO GET A DRINK ANYWAYS.
- NO, UH--
- YOU KNOW, YOU WOULD LOOK SO MUCH BETTER
WITHOUT THIS HAT.
- UGH. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME.
[funky music]
- HEY, NEWT?
SO THIS IS WHERE THE KICKOFF PARTY IS?
- UH, YEAH.
- IS THAT THING ON?
- UH, BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, JORDAN'S HERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN? I'M IN THE ZONE.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS JORDAN DOING HERE?
- SHE BOUGHT IT? - BOUGHT WHAT?
- I TOLD HER WE CAST HER IN THE MOVIE.
WE WROTE A PART IN FOR HER.
- WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?
- HEY, TO GET HER HERE.
YOU WANT TO GET HER BACK, MAKE HER JEALOUS.
- SHE CAN'T BE IN THE MOVIE!
- UH, GUYS, THERE IS--
both: SHUT UP, NEWT!
- IT'S A GOOD THING I'M NOT SUICIDAL.
- DUDE, YOU COULD BANG HALF THE CHICKS HERE,
ESPECIALLY THAT CHELSEA CHICK.
YOU WANT TO MAKE JORDAN JEALOUS?
I'LL HELP YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW. I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING, A PLAN.
NOW, GO.
HEY, JORDAN. HOW YOU DOING?
- SO WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S MY PART?
- YOU KNOW, THE CRAZY HOT ONE.
- WHAT'S THE STORY?
- PSYCHOPATH KILLER SLAUGHTERING HOT GIRLS.
- YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE THAN ONE HOT GIRL?
IT'S JUST A THING MY AGENT SAYS,
A BUG HE'S PUT INTO MY HEAD.
IT'S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO BE THE HOTTEST.
HELPS YOU BUILD A FAN BASE.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT, LIKE, 473,000 TWITTER FOLLOWERS.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ALL THE PRESENTS UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE.
THEY'RE ALL PRETTY AND EXCITING,
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE SPECIAL PRESENT,
THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST BOW.
JUST CAN'T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF IT.
I'M THAT FUCKING PRESENT.
AND WHERE'S THE SCRIPT?
- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD TALK TO ROSS AND AUSTIN ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE THE WRITERS.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE A COPY IN THEIR CAR OR SOMETHING.
SEE YA.
- THIS BENCH IS SO CUTE.
- YEAH, I THOUGHT SO, RIGHT?
THIS PLACE IS COOL. JOHNSON'S GOT STYLE.
- THAT HE DOES.
- SO YOU WANT TO SEE THE WEBSITE I'M BUILDING FOR THE MOVIE?
- YOU'RE BUILDING THE WEBSITE?
- WELL, I AM THE PRODUCER.
- I MEAN, YEAH, BUT NOT ALL PRODUCERS ARE TECH-SAVVY.
- I USED TO WORK IN MARKETING, SO THIS IS JUST FUN FOR ME.
- THAT'S SO COOL.
- YEAH. HOW ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU DO ANYTHING BESIDES ACT?
- YEAH, I'M AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER.
- [chuckles] OF COURSE YOU ARE.
- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- 'CAUSE THAT'S JUST PERFECT.
- WHAT IS? - YOU ARE.
I MEAN, THE JOB IS FOR YOU.
CHILDREN-- - [chuckling]
- FUCK.
WAIT, NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING.
- PROBABLY BLUSHING TOO.
[laughs]
- YOU REALLY NEED TO PUT MORE MEAT ON THESE BONES.
- OH, DUDE, YOU ARE KILLING ME.
- WHAT? I'M JUST SAYING.
DON'T YOU THINK HE'S TOO SKINNY?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I REALLY DON'T--
- I'M VERY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.
- THERE'S A LOT OF ME IN THIS BUSINESS.
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT.
- WHAT BUSINESS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS IS A JOKE. - HEY.
- NO, FUCK IT. I'M OUT OF HERE.
- AND THAT IS WHEN ROSS PISSED HIMSELF.
- SHUT UP, MAN.
I WAS INCREDIBLY WASTED.
I DON'T USUALLY GET LIKE THAT.
- HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN CRAZY STORIES.
- YEAH? - OF COURSE.
- I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO TELL ONE, THEN.
- YEAH, TELL US.
WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?
- WELL, THIS ONE TIME, AT CHEERLEADING CAMP--
- HEY, BABE. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- KATIE, I NEED YOU NOW.
- UH, JUST A LITTLE LONGER? - NO, I'M GOING.
YOU CAN STAY IF YOU WANT. I DON'T CARE.
- PRETTY PLEASE?
- OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- WHATEVER.
- WHAT'S UP WITH PETER THE PARTY POOPER?
- I DON'T KNOW.
HE HASN'T BEEN IN THE BEST MOODS LATELY.
WHAT'S UP?
- COME QUICK. I NEED YOUR HELP.
- AND THEN HE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."
- KIMMY, COME WITH ME.
JOHNSON, THIS IS KIMMY,
THE SLUTTY ONE.
- OH, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- COME TAKE A SHOT WITH ME AND JUSTIN.
WE'RE CELEBRATING.
- CELEBRATING WHAT?
- THE MOVIE, SILLY.
IT'S GONNA BE SO EXCITING.
HE'S GOING TO BE A HUGE PRODUCER, JUSTIN.
- REALLY? - UH-HUH.
- HEY, GUYS. - HEY.
OH, SHIT.
HEY.
WHAT THE "F" IS SHE DOING HERE?
- SO YOU'RE THE WRITERS?
- YES, I AM. - WE ARE.
- COOL. NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HI. I'M ALEX.
- ARE YOU IN THE MOVIE?
- YEAH, I PLAY RACHEL.
- I'M HOTTER THAN HER, RIGHT?
SO CAN I SEE A SCRIPT?
- UH-- - UH, NOT TILL THE TABLE READ.
[chuckles]
- RIGHT, NOT UNTIL THE TABLE READ.
- FUCK.
WHATEVER. I GOT TO GO CALL MY AGENT.
- WHAT IS GOING ON?
- HOW'S THE PARTY?
- WHAT?
- HOW'S THE PARTY?
- IT SUCKS.
AND SO WILL THIS MOVIE IF IT EVER EVEN GETS MADE.
- HMM.
- HEY, GUYS. COULD WE SIT HERE?
- FINDERS KEEPERS. GET YOUR OWN BENCH.
- SERIOUSLY? - WHAT?
- NO, IT'S OKAY. YOU GUYS CAN SIT HERE.
I COULD USE A TRIP TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM ANYWAY.
- OH, ME TOO. - GREAT.
DALLAS. - SUMMER.
- SHALL WE? - WE SHALL.
- WAY TO FUCK THAT ONE UP, PUNCHY.
- I BET YOU CAN'T DRINK THE REST OF THIS FLASK.
- FOR SURE I CAN.
- THEN DO IT.
- [belches]
TOLD YOU.
- WELL DONE.
- MAN.
THAT ASIAN HAS SOME BANGING TITTIES.
- YOU KNOW THAT TITTIES
ARE JUST BIG BALLS OF FAT, RIGHT?
- WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- POOR LITTLE STRAIGHT BOY. IS HE TRYING TO GET YOU DRUNK?
- GET OUT OF HERE, CALVIN.
- YOU KNOW HE'S JUST GONNA CONVERT YOU, THEN LEAVE YOU.
- CONVERT ME? WHAT THE FUCK?
- HE'S TALKING NONSENSE. - HE'S HOPING TO MAKE YOU GAY.
- I'M NOT GAY. - NOBODY SAID THAT YOU WERE.
- I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
I'M GOING HOME.
- I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
- YEAH, THEN HE'S GONNA TELL YOU HE'S A MASSEUR.
NICE TRY.
I'M THE ONLY REAL MASSEUR AROUND HERE.
- THOSE FUCKING FANTASTIC HANDS.
- GOOD NIGHT, STRAIGHT BOY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, CALVIN?
- WHAT? I SAW THE EVENT ON FACEBOOK.
- HEY, I GOT YOUR TEXT. WHAT'S UP?
- OH, GOOD.
I NEED YOU TO DO SOME MORE SCHEMING FOR ME.
- GREAT. I LOVE SCHEMING.
[laughter] - THAT'S HILARIOUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOKE UP LIKE THAT.
- I KNOW. I PROBABLY SMELLED LIKE BUTTER.
[laughter] - YUM.
- I'M GONNA HIT THE RESTROOM REAL QUICK.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BRO,
BEFORE YOU PISS YOURSELF ALL OVER AGAIN.
- MM-HMM, VERY FUNNY. - OH.
- UH, YOU LOOK KIND OF COLD. DO YOU WANT MY JACKET?
- ARE YOU SURE? - YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
- OH, THANK YOU. - GREAT.
- I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED YOU WERE SO WILD.
- OH, I'M JUST REALLY AMPED UP TONIGHT.
I WANT TO GET CRAZY.
- OH, WELL, LUCKY ME.
- CHASE, I NEED YOU FOR A SEC.
GET CHELSEA IN THE HOT TUB IN FIVE MINUTES.
- WHAT? WHY?
- DON'T ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
IT'LL BE EASY.
- I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
- ALL PART OF JUSTIN'S JEALOUSY PLAN.
- OH, HEY. - WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- UH, NOTHING.
- I DON'T REALLY LIKE HER.
- OKAY.
[heavy funky music]
- YEAH, THIS IS BULLSHIT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LEAVE.
- JORDAN, RIGHT?
- YEAH. WHO ARE YOU?
- YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND.
- HUH?
- YOU WANT A ROLE IN THIS MOVIE, RIGHT?
- MAYBE.
- WELL, IT'S THE HOTTEST GIRL PART.
- OKAY.
- CHASE MISSES YOU.
HE HAD THEM CREATE YOUR CHARACTER.
MEET HIM BY THE HOT TUB IN FIVE MINUTES.
HE'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
- JUST CAST ME IN YOUR DAMN MOVIE.
- THERE ISN'T A ROLE FOR YOU.
- THEN CREATE ONE. - I CAN'T.
- WHY NOT? YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.
- THE STORY DOESN'T CALL FOR IT.
- OH, THE STORY? TELL IT TO ME.
- WELL, IT'S COMPLICATED.
- WELL, TELL ME.
- NO.
- THEN I'LL DO IT.
- DON'T.
- I WILL. I'LL TELL EVERYONE.
- YOU WOULDN'T. - OH, I WOULD.
YOU KNOW I WOULD. - NO!
- I WILL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.
- FITS YOU GOOD. - [chuckles]
- YOU JUST GOT TO PUT THE COLLAR DOWN, THOUGH.
DO YOU WANT A BUTTON?
[laughs]
- HEY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING.
- ROSS, I CAN TELL YOU'RE UPSET.
YOU CAN TALK TO ME.
- FINE.
IT'S AUSTIN.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT INTO KIMMY.
HE'S INTO MY GIRL, ALEX.
- OUCH.
THAT HURTS.
- I THOUGHT SHE WAS REALLY DIGGING ME TOO.
- WELL, THEN GO OVER THERE, AND TELL AUSTIN TO BACK OFF.
- OH, I CAN'T.
- WHY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE A NICE GUY?
- WELL, APPARENTLY.
- EXACTLY.
GO OVER THERE, AND BE A MAN.
US GIRLS, WE LIKE A GUY WHO GETS WHAT HE WANTS.
[fast-paced electronic music]
♪
- WHAT THE FUCK, CHASE?
- NO. JORDAN.
JORDAN!
- EVERYBODY, I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR NEWEST CAST MEMBER, CALVIN.
- UM, WHAT?
- NOW I'M GOING HOME.
♪
- AUSTIN, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
STAY AWAY FROM HER.
- WHAT?
- STOP FLIRTING WITH ALEX.
- [laughs]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BROSKI.
- I'M NOT YOUR BROSKI, BROSKI.
- NO, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE INSURANCE.
- WHAT? NO!
ROSS, STOP!
- GUYS!
GUYS!
STOP IT!
- FUCK YEAH!
POOL PARTY!
COME ON!
- ♪ AND YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT ♪
♪ WELL, I'M A SINGLE MAN ♪
♪ AND SHOW ME HOW YOU SUCK IT TONIGHT ♪
- WHY THE FUCK NOT?
[laughter]
[all squealing]
- REMEMBER WHEN I SAID...
[laughter]
EPIC?
- HEY, CAMERAMAN.
DON'T BE SUCH A NERD. - HUH?
- GET YOUR ASS IN HERE.
- OKAY.
[upbeat electronic music]
♪
- WHOO-HOO!
[all shouting]
♪
- I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
- HEY, JUSTIN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN THAT THING OFF.
- IT COULD GO ALL THE WAY!
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
- THEY WANTED TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW YOU WOKE UP ALONE.
- YES, LAST NIGHT'S KICKOFF PARTY WAS THE BEST EVER.
NO, SUMMER AND I DIDN'T HAVE SEX, BUT...
SHE TOUCHED IT.
- DID SHE MAKE YOU CUM?
- NOT EXACTLY.
- THEN IT WASN'T A REAL HAND JOB.
- SHE WORKED IT LIKE SHE WAS GETTING PAID.
- SHE DID GET AN ACTING JOB OUT OF IT...
OR SO SHE THINKS.
- SO NOW WHAT?
- WAS GONNA ASK YOU THE SAME THING.
- DID TRENT REALLY QUIT?
- YEAH, BUT HE'S BEEN REPLACED WITH CALVIN,
SO WE'RE ALL GOOD.
- LONG LIVE THE FAKE MOVIE.
- WHAT ABOUT JORDAN?
- SHE WON'T RETURN MY CALLS.
- ALL RIGHT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
BUT I'M GONNA NEED A FAVOR FROM YOU.
- WHAT FAVOR?
- I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO CALL YOUR BUDDY BELLAGIO.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A HOTSHOT PHOTOGRAPHER ASAP
FOR THE POSTER SHOOT.
[camera shutter clicking]
- I NEED YOU TO ADD MORE LIGHTS.
NOT LINES, LIGHTS.
PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
- ♪ YOU KNOW I WOULD
♪ GET OUT WITH A LOT OF THE WORLD ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ I GOT A STORY THAT I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH-OH WHOA
♪ SO HERE WE GO LIKE A SHOW ♪
♪ I'MA BLOW YOU AWAY ♪
♪ WITH MY AMERICAN LIE
♪ ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGHT
♪ NOTHING'S OUT OF LINE ♪
♪ IT'S MY AMERICAN ♪
- I'M HERE.
NORMALLY I DON'T DO POSTER SHOOTS,
ESPECIALLY SOMETHING SO "B" HORROR AND LOW-BUDGET.
- IS THERE SOMETHING IN MY TOOTH?
- YEAH, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.
- BUT CHASE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY,
AND HE DID PROMISE ME AN 8 BALL.
- DID I GET IT?
- NO.
- HEY, BRO. THANKS FOR COMING.
- NO PROB.
WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
LET'S GET SNAPPY.
- SO WHILE THIS BELLAGIO CHARACTER
STARTED THE POSTER SHOOT,
I GET THESE BAD BOYS READY: RELEASE FORMS.
WE GOT TO HAVE THEM SIGNED
IF WE EVER WANT TO RELEASE THIS DOCUMENTARY.
- YEAH, I MEAN, GETTING THESE SIGNATURES
IS A LITTLE SKETCHY, BUT--
BUT--
[sighs]
I GOT NOTHING.
[camera shutter clicking]
- ♪ I'M SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪
[laughter]
[girls giggling]
[funky rock music]
♪
- HOW'D YOU GET JORDAN HERE?
- I TOLD HER WE RECAST CHELSEA.
SHE'S GONNA BE PLAYING LOLA INSTEAD.
- AND SHE BOUGHT IT?
- SHE'S HERE, ISN'T SHE?
- GOOD POINT. BUT SO IS CHELSEA.
- YOU THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER?
[laughter]
- I'M GONNA GUESS YES.
- DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S PLAYING WHO RIGHT NOW.
JUST KEEP REMINDING JORDAN
THAT SHE'S THE HOTTEST CHARACTER.
- YEAH. SHE LIKES THAT SHIT.
- I THINK JORDAN LIKES THE POWER IN SPITE.
SPITE'S A COOL WORD.
- DALLAS IS SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL.
THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA, MAN.
- YEAH.
AND SUMMER BASICALLY
ALREADY WANTS TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.
- YOU KNOW, SHE'D PROBABLY SLEEP WITH ANYONE
WHO COULD ADVANCE HER CAREER.
- NO WAY, MAN. SHE'S WAY INTO ME.
- SURE.
DUDE, WHY ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE?
- I'M A MOVIE STAR NOW.
NEED TO START DRESSING THE PART.
- RIGHT.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- [sighs]
LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- YES. YES, I AM.
- JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
- LOOK, ROSS, I NEVER MEANT TO UPSET YOU IN ANY WAY.
IT'S JUST THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS GIRL.
- SERIOUSLY?
- DUDE, YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE HERE.
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT ANYONE BEFORE.
- YEAH, WELL, GOOD TIMING.
- ROSS.
- ♪ I'M SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND ♪
[laughter]
- UH, HEY, KATIE.
WHAT YOU DOING?
- STARING OUT THE WINDOW.
- YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
[chuckles]
ARE YOU OKAY?
- RYAN JUST DUMPED ME.
- WHAT?
WHAT?
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
- HE DID IT OVER THE PHONE.
- WHAT, WHO DOES THAT?
- RYAN, APPARENTLY.
- YEAH, APPARENTLY.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST, THOUGH.
I MEAN, HE'S BEEN A REAL STICK IN THE MUD LATELY.
A LITTLE STICK.
LITTLE STICK.
- YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- AND I'M HERE FOR YOU
IF YOU NEED A SHOULDER TO CRY ON.
OR SOMEONE TO BUY YOU A DRINK.
- THANK YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT ALL THAT SAD.
- REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY.
BUT I COULD USE SOMEONE TO GET A DRINK WITH.
[cash register dings]
- YOU CAN HAVE ALEX.
- WHAT?
- IF SHE LIKES YOU TOO, GO FOR IT.
- [breathing heavily]
I REALLY THINK SHE DOES, MAN.
LIKE, WE HAVE BEEN TEXTING NONSTOP SINCE THE PARTY.
- GOOD. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
- OH, BROSKI!
I'M GONNA NEED A HUG.
- LATER? - NOW.
- LATER. - NOW.
- LATER! - OKAY.
- I NEED TO SEE SEX.
[loud rock music]
I NEED MORE SEX IN YOUR FACES.
NICE. NICE. BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S IT. COME ON.
OOH, YEAH.
MORE SEX IN THE EYES.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
MM.
[laughs] GOOD.
NOW IN THE LIPS.
SHOW ME SEX LIPS.
SEX LIPS.
OH, YEAH. OH, NICE.
OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL. LOVE IT.
LOVE IT, GIRLS.
AND I'M OUT OF BATTERIES.
GOT TO TAKE TEN,
HIT THE LOO, AND CHANGE MY BATTS.
CIAO, LADIES.
- I WISH I WAS BRITISH.
- OKAY, EVERYONE, TAKE TEN,
AND DON'T FORGET TO SIGN THE RELEASE FORM
IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.
- GIVE ME THAT THING.
- YES, MA'AM.
- DID YOU TYPE THIS UP YOURSELF?
- I DID. WHY?
- WELL, IT LOOKS PRETTY PROFESSIONAL.
- YOU WOULD EXPECT ANYTHING LESS?
- I MEAN, THESE MOVIES USUALLY OPERATE
ON A MUCH CRAPPIER LEVEL.
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING CRAPPY ALLOWED ON MY SETS.
- OH, REALLY? - YEAH.
THAT'S JUST HOW I ROLL.
HOW I ROLL? REALLY?
THAT COULDN'T HAVE SOUNDED COOL COMING FROM A JEW LIKE ME.
HEY.
NOT TO MIX BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE,
BUT WHEN ALL THIS IS OVER AND DONE,
WOULD YOU LET ME BUY YOU DINNER?
- UM, SURE.
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT SOMEWHERE CRAPPY.
- SHE ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF DAY AND NIGHT.
- SO WHERE DO I SIGN?
- OH, RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW, SUMMER,
JUSTIN'S JUST A COPRODUCER ON THIS FILM.
I'M THE REAL PRODUCER.
- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.
WE SHOULD TOTALLY, LIKE, HANG OUT SOMETIME
AND TALK ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER,
MAYBE SOME FUTURE PROJECTS.
- I WOULD LOVE THAT.
- THAT'D BE GREAT.
POOR JUSTIN.
SOMEONE HAD TO PROVE HIM WRONG.
- HERE'S MY NUMBER
RIGHT NEXT TO THE "CALL ME."
- THANKS.
- HEY, SUMMER, LOOKING GREAT.
- THANKS.
- TOLD YOU. - TOLD ME WHAT?
- SHE JUST WANTS TO ADVANCE HER CAREER, MAN.
"CALL ME."
- THAT'S AWESOME. - HOW IS THAT AWESOME?
- 'CAUSE IT MEANS SHE'S EASY.
THE WAY TO HER HEART IS THROUGH HER CAREER?
I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
- IS HE GOING FOR HER HEART
OR HER VAGINA?
JUST LOOKING OUT, BRO.
- PROGRESS IN MOTION.
[train whistle toots]
[steam hissing]
[deep percussive music]
♪
NORMALLY A TABLE READ IS AT THE BEGINNING OF A MOVIE,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT A MOVIE WITH A NONEXISTENT SCREENPLAY,
IT'S AT THE END,
SUCH AS THIS CASE.
- DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?
- MOVIE STAR STUFF. YOU LIKE IT?
- NO.
- OH, BUT IT'S OKAY WHEN YOU WEAR IT?
- YEAH, AT, LIKE, A RED CARPET OR PREMIER,
NOT A TABLE READ.
AND WHEN I WEAR THAT SHIT,
I MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.
- WHATEVER. I FEEL COOL.
- HEY, WHATEVER TICKLES YOUR TINY PICKLE, MAN.
SO THIS IS YOUR PLACE, BEN? - YES, SIR.
- COOL.
AND WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
[deep percussive music]
- I HIRED SOME MORE FAKE PEOPLE.
I'M GOING FOR THEATRICS.
- I GUESS I'M THE ART DIRECTOR. - HAIR AND MAKEUP.
- SOMEONE SAID THE DIRECTOR NEEDED AN ASSISTANT.
- OKAY, AND THAT GUY?
- I'M WHAT YOU CALL A SECOND SHOOTER.
I GOT HERE IN NO TIME AND AT THE RIGHT PRICE.
I'M RILEY SACKS, THE FASTEST SECOND SHOOTER IN THE WEST.
[imitates gunshot]
CALL RILEY SACKS ANY TIME, ANY WAY,
AND HE'LL BE THERE WITH A CAMERA
FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY TUMBLEWEED.
DON'T BE A JACK.
CALL RILEY SACKS,
THE FASTEST SECOND SHOOTER IN THE WEST.
VERY FAIR PRICES, PREMIUM QUALITY.
DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
- I TOLD HIM TO FOCUS MAINLY ON MY CLOSE-UPS.
ding!
- [laughing]
- HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- ROSS JUST FELL COMING UP THE STAIRS.
- YEAH, I BET YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED IT
IF I FELL FLAT ON MY FACE, TOO, WOULDN'T YOU?
- YEAH. - UH-HUH?
- [laughs]
- THOSE TWO WERE MAKING ME SICK
THE WHOLE DRIVE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH.
WHAT'S THE PLAN?
- THERE REALLY ISN'T A PLAN.
WELL, KATIE IS GONNA HAND OUT THE SCRIPTS.
- BUT I THOUGHT THERE WASN'T A SCRIPT.
- IT'S FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
GOOD DOCUMENTARIES REQUIRE GOOD DRAMA.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, I HAVE HAD IT
WITH THIS LITTLE GAME OF A PROJECT.
- DUDE, WHAT IS UP YOUR ASS?
- NOTHING, OBVIOUSLY.
- OH, I GET IT.
GROSS.
- YOU'RE JUST PISSED BECAUSE TRENT QUIT.
- OH, I'M OVER THAT.
NOW I JUST WANT TO GET BACK ON WITH MY LIFE.
- THE CAST WILL BE HERE IN A FEW MINUTES.
- WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS.
DOES ANYONE REALIZE WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO DO?
- HUH?
- WE'RE HUGE LIARS.
- I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS MORE OF A CREATIVE CONCOCTER.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE WHITE LIE.
- NO. NO. NO.
THIS IS BIG. THIS IS, LIKE, A RED LIE.
- THERE'S DIFFERENT COLORS OF LIES?
- FUCK YEAH, THERE IS.
THERE'S, LIKE, 12 OF THEM.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
A PINK LIE HAS TO DO WITH SEX,
LIKE IF YOU MAKE UP SOME STORY ABOUT SOME SLUT
LETTING YOU JIZZ ALL OVER HER FACE.
- HE'S RIGHT. LOOK IT UP.
- AND THEN THERE'S BLUE, WHICH MEANS--
- STOP! JUST STOP TALKING NONSENSE.
- THE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE HERE ANY SECOND.
WE'RE ABOUT WRITE OURSELVES OUT AS FUCKING BULLSHITTERS.
- SHIT. HE'S RIGHT.
- WE CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T DO THIS.
I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE MY GIRL.
- FUCK, I DO TOO, GUYS. I DON'T--
- SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ACTUALLY MAKE THIS MOVIE.
- OH, HELL NO.
- THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL THIS TIME.
- NO, GUYS. WE CAN'T.
WE DON'T HAVE A SCRIPT.
- WELL, WE HAVE ALL THESE BLANK ONES.
- I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
FUCK. FUCK, THIS ISN'T GOOD.
- HEY, CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
- NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA SAY?
- I'M HERE.
- I JUST CAME TO WATCH THE EXPLOSION.
[explosion booms]
- I AM SO GLAD THAT EVERYONE WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT.
KATIE, PLEASE GO AHEAD AND PASS OUT THE SCRIPTS.
- CERTAINLY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO. NO ONE OPEN THEM.
NO ONE OPEN THEM, NOT YET.
- TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK.
- OKAY, EVERYONE TURN TO THE FIRST PAGE,
AND LET'S BEGIN.
YES, JORDAN?
- MY PAGES ARE BLANK.
- YEAH, MINE ARE TOO.
- SO ARE MINE.
- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
THAT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SCRIPT.
- WHAT? - HUH?
- UM, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO IMPROV?
I WON AN IMPROV COMPETITION ONCE.
- NOPE.
NO IMPROV. NO SCRIPT.
NO STORY AT ALL, FOR THAT MATTER.
- UM, I DON'T GET IT.
- THERE IS NO BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- I DON'T GET IT EITHER.
- WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY STARTING A MOVIE.
WE'RE FINISHING A MOVIE RIGHT NOW,
AND YOU ALL WERE THE STARS.
- WE ARE?
- YEP. CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ALL HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC.
IN FACT, YOU STILL ARE.
THE CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLING.
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB.
- CHASE, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
- IT'S A DOCUMENTARY, JORDAN.
I'M GONNA CALL IT AMERICAN LIE.
IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF GUYS WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION
SO WE CAN MEET, MINGLE, AND DATE THE GIRLS OF OUR DREAMS.
IT'S LIKE A REAL AMERICAN PIE STORY...
SURE TO BE A CULT CLASSIC.
- [sighs]
- YES, CALVIN?
- PARKER LIKES COUNTRY MUSIC.
- [sighs]
- CLASSIC.
[noisy guitar chord]
♪
YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS DOCUMENTARY
WOULD TURN INTO A ROMANTIC COMEDY,
BUT IN A WEIRD WAY, IT KIND OF DID.
ALTHOUGH, IN REAL LIFE, SOME ENDINGS ARE GOOD,
AND SOME ARE NOT SO GOOD.
- HEY, ALEX. AUSTIN.
JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
HEY, ALEX.
I WOULD JUST REALLY LIKE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
AUSTIN AGAIN. LISTEN.
IT'S ME AGAIN.
JUST GIVE ME A CALL BACK WHEN YOU GET THIS.
[sighs]
- SUCKS FOR AUSTIN.
ALEX NEVER TALKED TO HIM AGAIN.
BEN GOT IT EVEN WORSE, THOUGH.
NOT ONLY DID HE LOSE ANY AND ALL CHANCE
HE MIGHT HAVE HAD WITH DALLAS,
BUT SHE'S SUING HIM.
AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR BEN, HE'S THE SOLE PRODUCER.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE THE LAWYERS ARE ATTACKING.
- [chuckles]
- CHASE AND JORDAN GOT BACK TOGETHER.
FUNNY.
I THOUGHT SHE'D BE THE MOST PISSED OF THEM ALL.
- I JUST HATED SEEING HIM WITH ANOTHER GIRL.
- OH, I HATED BEING WITH ANYBODY BUT YOU.
- 'CAUSE I'M THE BEST SEX YOU'VE EVER HAD, RIGHT?
- OH, THERE'S NO COMPARISON.
YEAH, MAN. I'VE MISSED YOUR BODY.
[rock music]
- OH, FUCK, YOU MAKE ME WET.
- UH, GUYS?
GUYS?
- HOW ABOUT THIS CUTE STORY?
- I'M JUST GLAD THIS LITTLE PROJECT
BROUGHT US TOGETHER.
- YOU ARE SO SWEET. - NO, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- NO, YOU'RE SWEETER. - NO, YOU'RE SWEETER.
- NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST. - NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST.
- [giggles]
- NAUSEATING, RIGHT?
AND THEN THERE'S PARKER'S TRUTH.
- YES. I ADMIT IT.
I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC. IS THAT SO WRONG?
DOES IT REALLY MAKE ME THAT AWFUL?
I CAN STILL BE A DARK AND MOODY ARTIST
ANY TIME I WANT.
SO WHAT IF I LIKE IT?
I LOVE IT.
I WANT SOME MORE OF IT.
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT'S MY OUTCOME?
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY SUMMER WAS THRILLED
TO BE IN MY MOVIE.
SHE REALLY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
SHE JUST WANTED TO STAR IN A MOVIE.
AND SHE DID, MY MOVIE, THIS MOVIE.
AND NOW SHE THINKS I'M BRILLIANT.
- BRILLIANT?
- WHAT? DON'T BELIEVE ME?
- BABE, TURN OFF THE CAMERA, AND COME BACK TO BED.
- ♪ I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL AN AMERICAN STORY ♪
♪ IT STARTS WITH A LIE OR TWO OR THREE ♪
♪ THREE MEN ARE SO VERY LONELY
♪ LOOKING FOR A GIRL OR TWO OR THREE ♪
♪ THE ONLY WAY FOR HIM TO SCORE A HOTTIE ♪
♪ TO ROPE A GUY MODEL AND LAME, OLD FRIENDS ♪
♪ AND CAST THE PERFECT GIRL INTO A MOVIE ♪
♪ AND WRITE IN A KISS OR TWO OR THREE ♪
♪ IT MAKES ME GLAD FOR EVERY LAD ♪
♪ IT'S THE DAY WHEN HE LEARNS TO SCORE A HOTTIE ♪
♪ HEY
[jaunty punk rock music]
♪
♪ THERE'S MORE TO THIS STORY THAN MEETS THE EYE ♪
♪ IT ONLY STARTED WITH A SINGLE LIE ♪
♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT WILL KILL YOU ♪
♪ TO HELL WITH YOUR SOUL, OH, YOU WILL DIE ♪
♪ HELL'S NO PLACE FOR YOUR SOUL TO WASTE ♪
♪ BUT YOU STILL NEED TO LEARN TO SCORE A HOTTIE ♪
♪ HEY
♪
♪ IF YOU'RE OF THE FEW WHO HAVE SURVIVED ♪
♪ TO THE LADS MARCHING ONWARD THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS YOU'RE ALIVE ♪
♪ BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL AND DO HER RIGHT ♪
♪ AND BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL AND DO HER RIGHT ♪
♪ AND YES, HEY
♪
♪ HELL'S NO PLACE FOR YOUR SOUL TO WASTE ♪
♪ BUT YOU STILL NEED TO LEARN TO SCORE A HOTTIE ♪
♪ IT MAKES ME GLAD FOR EVERY LAD ♪
♪ IT'S THE DAY WHEN HE LEARNS TO SCORE A HOTTIE ♪
- ♪ MY AMERICAN
♪ ALL-AMERICAN GIRL
[pop punk music]
♪ FOR YOU, YOU KNOW I WOULD
♪ GET OUT OF A LOT OF THE WORLD ♪
♪
♪ I GOT A STORY THAT I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH-OH WHOA
♪ SO HERE WE GO LIKE A SHOW ♪
♪ I'MA BLOW YOU AWAY ♪
♪ WITH MY AMERICAN LIE
♪ ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGHT
♪ NOTHING'S OUT OF LINE ♪
♪ IT'S MY AMERICAN LIE ♪
♪ EVERYTHING I EVER NEED
♪ GETTING FROM OUR LIE
♪ AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF I FELT YOU ♪
♪ WOULD REALLY LIKE ME FOR ME
♪ IT'S MY AMERICAN LIE ♪
♪ THE ONLY WAY I CATCH A RIDE
♪ COME AND TAKE A RIDE ON MY AMERICAN LIE ♪
♪
[rumbling]